When I was in high school, I landed a teenage-dream-job as a receptionist for a large photography studio for the summer. It was something out of a teen movie about the girl who finds herself having the most amazing luck possible, where she squeals with glee on the phone with her girlfriends and says “pinch me!” a lot. I still remember trying to be utterly cool my first week on the job when the reception area was filled with gorgeous male models there for a casting call. I had to speak because I needed to answer the phone but inside I was dying and I am sure my face was beet red. How exactly did I land this dream job anyway? (Later, I asked my boss what made her hire me…her reply,”Oh, nothing really. You were the only one who showed up and was kind of normal. Everyone else was weird.” I have mad skills.)
I was asked to fill in for a model who didn’t show up one day. Umm, ok. What do I get to wear? Remember those aerobic outfits from the 80’s? Where you wore your underwear over your bodysuit? Ya, that. On a treadmill. Fake jogging. And my head would be cut off. I made tons of hilarious faces to crack up the photographer…only to learn later, when the entire editing room was howling, that edits happen AFTER the shoot. This little taste of modelling had me intrigued. I did another shoot for the studio this time in a one-piece track suit. (Sensing an 80’s fitness theme…) I think I made $50. Don’t say the 80’s never gave us anything. I still have the photo. I may show it to you one day…
After this summer of intrigue, I tried to get into modelling. At 5’10.5″, I weighed about 130 lbs and was very healthy and athletic. At the first agency I visited, after meeting me for all of 5 minutes, the agent told me to stand on a giant scale in the middle of the crowded waiting room. He then told me I was too fat. I was then scolded for having a cranberry muffin as a snack – funny the things one remembers years later. As the agent wagged his finger in my face scolding me for my body, scolding me for what I had eaten, scolding me for being me, I felt my body tighten and everything inside me scream,”This energy is NOT right.” I said nothing. He told me to return the next week for a regular weigh-in and to start dieting. And absolutely no more snacks or cranberry muffins. I stared at him and said nothing. I left. As I walked confused and fuming to the subway, I vowed never to go back. I realized probably ever other girl in that waiting room would be there for the weigh-in the following week…
I was mad at myself for having let someone speak to me that way.
I was mad at myself for having stood on that scale.
I was mad at myself for letting him wave his finger in my face.
I was mad at myself for letting him tell me that my healthy way of living was wrong.
I visited another agency. I was told again to lose weight. I was told my lips were much too small for my face – but that I could come back and take really expensive courses. As I stared at the agent still talking, I decided then and there modelling wasn’t for me. I left again.
I went off to university not giving modelling another thought. Several years later after finishing my degree, I was walking through The Toronto Eaton Centre with my sister. By then I was about a straight size 14. A modelling scout stopped me. She asked me if I had ever considered becoming a model. Most girls would have been ecstatic. I completely rebuffed her. My response went something like this,” I know how this works. You want me to lose a ton of weight. I am not interested.” To which she responded,”Have you ever heard of plus-size modelling? You don’t have to lose a pound. You are perfect the way you are.” When I heard that, I was intrigued and started asking a ton of questions. When I realized I could make a go of this career and be true to me, to my body, she had my full attention. The plus-size modelling industry was so new I hadn’t heard of it. But all of a sudden, going forward with my dream of modelling felt authentic. Or how I always like to tell young girls when we speak of body image, the feeling in my head, my heart and my stomach felt right – my intuition was giving me the go-ahead.
I look back all these years later – almost 25 – to a life and career that has been so fulfilling, to adventures in countries around the world, to having met countless incredible creative people and companies. I look back to countless conversations with girls and teens about body image and media literacy – many times with their moms and dads joining in. I look back to being the Director of a modelling agency I was proud of that represented women of all backgrounds, heights, shapes, sizes and abilities that went completely out of the box creating countless opportunities that didn’t exist before. I look to TV work showcasing that everybody and every BODY is beautiful and should be represented in fashion. And most importantly, I look back to the last few years of my health journey and developing the ultimate in body love from one of the biggest lessons in my life.
And… I just want to thank my teenage self for walking away from what didn’t feel right and making this all possible. If I could right now speak with my 17-year-old self, I would tell her this:
Dear 17-Year-Old Me,
Do not for one second beat yourself up over stepping on that scale. For going out there and exploring something new. You walked away with your head high and determination in your heart and soul. What you see as a moment of weakness right now, of anger for being talked down to, will define your life, will propel you further into knowing what you want and what you don’t. What is right. What is wrong.
Those few minutes on that scale will give you a lifetime of speaking with young girls and building them up so they will stand up when they need to stand up and walk away with no regrets when they need to walk away. You have a strength and determination that will only continue to grow. Do not curse yourself for your silence, applaud yourself for your strong will. Know that doing what feels right in your mind, heart and soul in this very moment will have a ripple effect throughout your life and lead you to much happiness. More than anything, know that in the future, you will rock fashion on YOUR terms and it will turn out incredibly well. Keep being true to you. You are doing an amazing job.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I love you fiercely.
Admire you greatly.
All my love,
Your Future Self xo
I keep saying we need to love ourselves through time and I sometimes get a puzzled look. But we do. All our decisions help form our lives, our happiness. Every act is a ripple in some way. Applaud yourself for all the positivity you have created and forgive yourself for anything you need to release. Happy all these years later after stepping on that scale and not going back, to be having this Body Love Conversation with you right now. What a beautiful perk from a “small” decision in my life.
