The Body Love Series: What Do You Want to Be When You’re Older?

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What do you want to be when you’re older?

A jockey.

You can’t. You’re too big.

What do you want to be when you’re older?

A ballerina.

You can’t. You’d be taller than all your male partners.

What do you want to be when you’re older?

I don’t know.

I flashed back to my childhood career aspirations the other day. I seemed to want to pursue professions that came with society-created body parameters. It occurred to me…how many times did we, as children, put ideas out there only to be told NO based on our size, our shape? Interestingly enough, my career found me when a model scout stopped me in a mall and asked me if I wanted to be a plus-size model – a career based on my size and height. I have spent my career celebrating that size and height and in turn work to break down barriers in fashion to embrace people of all sizes, shapes, backgrounds and abilities.

In wanting to be a jockey, I realize at almost six feet tall that my frame would considerably slow down a horse in a race. Fair enough. Probably would not come in first place. Ok, probably would come in last. But what if society didn’t tell me no?  What if I had pushed ahead based on all the aspects of this potential career I loved…where would I be?  I wanted to be around horses, I wanted to ride fast, I wanted to feel the wind whipping in my face. What if there was another outlet to achieve all of this without a flat out NO? How many doors were closed based on one aspect of a future possibility?

And maybe I never wanted a male dance partner.  Maybe that thought never occurred to me. Maybe I could have been the tall solo ballet dancer. Maybe my ballet dreams would have morphed into other forms of dance, other forms of artistic expression. What future events and experiences were closed off based on the one-track assumptions of a certain ballet teacher whose word I took as concrete truth?

Children are bombarded by info daily. Let’s always remember to explore their dreams with them – all aspects of them.  And let’s always aim to fling as many doors open as possible when the rest of the world is trying to slam them shut. Our bodies are capable of many things – at all sizes, shapes, heights and abilities. Let’s not put ceilings above those bodies where children don’t see them existing.

The Body Love Series: A Real Woman is Every Woman

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I have heard the term “real woman” for years.  As in, this woman is real, that woman is not. Who, exactly gets to decide this?

I have worked with many plus and straight size models for many years and we’d see each other regularly sometimes even weekly depending on our bookings and a lot of them were (and still are) sizes 2-4. They were healthy, happy, smart, incredible women.  We didn’t see size – we were all there to share fashion inspiration and do our job. I admired the models of various ages and sizes I got to work with over the years.

You can imagine my frustration when reporters would label me a “real woman” and ask me questions about the other models I worked with implying their smaller size made them less real than me. I remember one line of questioning in which the reporter asked if I wanted to see every runway showcasing real women like me – all a size 14. I can’t remember my exact quote but my answer went something like this:  “The women in my life – my friends, my family, are all different shapes and sizes. I want to see all shapes and sizes in fashion because that reflects what I see and know around me.  Putting all size 14s on the runway would be just as wrong as putting all size 0s on one, it doesn’t reflect reality. All my friends aren’t the same size as me.” I also remember the reporter really didn’t like my answer! Implying my smaller counterparts – women I greatly liked and admired – were not real drove me crazy. I have skinny family members, I have curvy family members and everything in between. I have friends that are a size 0 and friends that are a 24 and every size in between. When they see models that look like them in all shapes and sizes – and yes, there needs to be way more of this, THAT is real. Diversity is real. Seeing someone like them allows them to know how a garment will fit on their frame.

Lately there have been ahhmazing leaps & bounds made in fashion.  Campaigns are including a lot more diversity and more sizes and ages are being represented. Fashion bloggers of all shapes and sizes have pushed the industry with their creative images and fashion style. I recently spoke with a first year fashion class at Ryerson University and told them there have been more changes in plus-size fashion in the last 2 years than there have been in the last 20.   But the flip side of this positive wave of curvy acceptance, is the use of that dreaded “real woman” saying in all forms of media.  As in:

Finally, a real woman on the cover!

We are finally seeing real women in this magazine!

Thanks for putting a real woman in this campaign.

Real women only from now on please!

Does fashion still need to change? Absolutely.  There are still way too many models in one size range representing a lot of women who do not look like them.  But putting them down in order to celebrate another body type is not the answer. Including a variety of ages, sizes, backgrounds and abilities is the answer.  Getting designers and companies to create several sample sizes so various sized models can be used will help immensely. Fashion schools that are changing the way students think about and create fashion will make them the leaders of tomorrow that will create the diverse media we need to be seeing more of. Applauding companies for making change with social media comments, letters to the editor or sending in an email or letter makes change. I have seen it happen.

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A real woman is every woman. Skinny?  She’s real. Curvy? She’s real? Slim? Real. Fat? Real. Tall. Short. Somewhere in between. Real. Whatever weight, whatever size, whatever age. Still real. Let’s keep pushing for change knowing we’re all real and we’re all beautiful.

The Body Love Series: Ode to a Sock

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What the hell does a sock have to do with body love you are probably wondering… For me, a lot. I am often asked how I have such positive body image. It really comes down to being so damn amazed at being able to do little actions every day. Little actions as magical as putting on my socks.

If you would have told me several years ago I would be celebrating the actions of my feet I would have thought that was crazy.  But I also would have never foreseen myself trying to do something as simple as putting on a sock, and face planting flat onto my bedroom floor nearly missing my dresser. Yes, trying to put on a sock was enough to cause me to completely fall over. I am still shocked I didn’t break my nose or a hand – or my dresser! Once I got wiser to the pitfalls of Gluten Ataxia, I would sit to try to put on my socks (and pants and tops and bras and shoes), an action that would take less than 30 seconds normally and it would sometimes take up to 10 minutes. Some days I would just go sockless out of frustration.

I am still mastering pointing my toes again. This week I can’t feel half of my left foot. This changes frequently. It used to be half of my leg and almost my entire foot so this is progress. If I walk more than 20 minutes, I usually can’t feel the front half of both feet. Then my walk becomes a really sexy stomping kinda thing. I haven’t worn high heels since 2014 and then I was cheating them on TV for 5 minutes and got help walking onto the set or put them on once seated.

I had a long luxurious bath recently and stared at my toes peeking out of the bubbles for quite some time. I guess you are at the ultimate level of body love when you can stare at your feet in wonder!  Being able to stand and walk and move is everything to me – my size isn’t. Being able to feel my feet enough to walk is more important to me than my weight. There is so much joy in being able to point a toe again! And being able to put on a simple pair of socks is the ultimate gift – in pride, independence and accomplishment. For me, body love literally starts from the tips of my toes up to the top of my head. And every morning, after my meditation, as I am getting dressed for the day, I am grateful for the simple action of putting on my socks.

The Body Love Series: Flipping Body Frustration to Thankfulness

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I have done more in the last month than I have done in the last year. I have BEEN ABLE to do more in the last month than I have BEEN ABLE to get done in the last year. I have to keep telling myself this during moments of body frustration. It is a huge distinction. And it’s important.

I have been creating and writing and just did two TV segments in one week.  I’m really proud of my physical and mental accomplishments – catch my BT Toronto segment if you haven’t already! I am still in shock that this much activity is going down after literally not being able to move much or talk much – or think much for that matter – for a couple years. But then I get overly excited and want to do more …and my body and brain can’t keep up with my excitement and determination. As my sister lovingly says to me sometimes,”Don’t get too cocky!” After all this activity, my brain was protesting all week, I was exhausted and out of it and my legs decided to revert back to their wobbly ways – only for a couple hours, but enough to get me utterly frustrated and upset and worried. I had to start listening to my own advice. So, in the middle of my wobbly walk, I had to flip my frustrated thinking and I sat myself down on a bench for a little meditative meeting with myself. It went something like this:

Legs, you are so not going there again. This is not cool. This is unfair.  You can’t do this to me. I thought this part was over. You need to work.

Legs, you have come such a long way. You have made so many improvements. You are getting stronger every day, getting more muscle tone again and these setbacks are temporary and hey, you kicked some serious ass this week! You carried me far and held me up to do a lot of fun stuff. Thank you. You rock.

Brain, when are you going to stop shutting down on me?  When is the fogginess and inability to think and create going to go away?  When are you going to be normal? When are you going to let me unleash and do all the things I need to do and want to do?

Brain, you have become so much stronger. You allowed me to create ideas for TV and remember all my talking points for the shows which means a lot to me.  You have allowed me to think and create and write and put out a new post weekly as well as regular social media posts. You’ve allowed me to create positive ideas to share with others. Thank you.

Body, why do you keep losing energy? Shutting down?  Losing steam?  I’m so frustrated and I thought I was doing everything right. When will this really be over?

Body, thank you for holding me up and letting me do fun things again. Thank you for letting me do what I want to do for my career again. Last year I was still thinking regularly about getting a motorized scooter. Thankfully I don’t need to consider this anymore – thank you for getting me to today. I know you are going to keep improving. I’ve seen the evidence. Be patient with me when I get like this. Every day there are new accomplishments to celebrate.

In my Pilates class tonight, I cranked out 5 wobbly-cheater-not-so-strong-half-push-ups and am still grinning. On February 1st, I was able to do my first imperfectly perfect one in 6 years. Tonight I reflected on all the improvements I have made. Waiting 6 years to be able to do one push-up. A little over a month to get up to 5 – that’s a really impressive improvement in a short amount of time. Thanked my body for getting me to today and was grateful for body improvements over days, weeks, months and years.

As my body and brain keeps getting stronger, I vow to myself that when I get frustrated again, and it’s going to happen because I am human, I will stop and thank myself for all the gifts in my life, all the gifts my body gives me, all the improvements that have happened. Years down the line, as my body gets older, I will remember this all too. It’s ok to be frustrated but the key is to recognize the frustration and decide to change it…

 

The Body Love Series: Word On the Street

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While rolling out The Body Love Series, it gets you thinking a lot about how we think and how we talk about body image.  The more positive wording that is put out there, the more open conversations that occur, the more noticeable it is to spot the words being used about health and our bodies that just don’t fit. How did harsh words become the norm in slogans and headlines? I read a great health article today but almost didn’t….because of the wording in the title. But here is the thing…this title was created to lure in readers so the wording must be working right?

The title had the words “obesity battle” in it.  It really didn’t fit with the writing vibe of the piece and had me wondering if the writer picked these words or if an editor slapped them on before publishing. The energies just didn’t match.  It really got me thinking about how society talks, what words make it to the headlines in order to try to grab busy people’s attention.

Battle. Conquer. Fight.

These three words are everywhere in conjunction with health and body talk. They are used a lot when speaking of illnesses and states of dis-ease. I have had all of them thrown my way in discussions over the last few years regarding my health experiences. But…I don’t want them. And I feel uncomfortable attaching them to me. It comes down to this: I do not want to battle, conquer or fight myself.  Or my body. Any part of my body.

Think about how you speak about your health and your body.  Is it ok to be upset and frustrated sometimes? Sure. I have existed in states of pissedoffedness while trying to get well. But I have also sat in the deepest levels of joy and gratitude. I think I am quite normal to have gone through a range of emotions.  We have relationships with our bodies, and there is an ebb and flow in every relationship. It is not always smooth sailing. But it also shouldn’t be anger all the time. It would not be normal to fight with someone every day. How would you feel to be in fight mode every day?  Exhausted.

Think about the words you choose to describe your body, your feelings, your health or life journey.  If they don’t resonate with you, find more positive ones that do. It’ s all about the body love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Body Love Series: Moments of Gratefulness

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“Little” moments of gratefulness or gratefuls as I like to call them, pop up in my day often.  It’s amazing how many tasks and everyday occurrences bring a smile to my face now. I often go about my day walking around with a mischievous, goofy grin on my face.  It tends to illicit intrigued looks from strangers. Their amusement further amuses me.

These “gratefuls” fill my cup when moments of frustration occur because my brain and body still aren’t properly connecting due to Gluten Ataxia and Hashimoto’s.  For instance, I just took a gentle stretch class for the first time today and it is low stress and very simple, yet I couldn’t do several of the most basic moves. There are many instances in which my brain tries to tell a body part to do something…and the messaging doesn’t make it to that part.  Today I stared at my hands and willed them to move a certain way and they wouldn’t. It is shocking to me when this occurs because as many times as it happens, it is surprising especially because the movement seems so simple. I used to get really frustrated but I take a step back now and think differently.  Today, I was thrilled to be able bodied enough to even be in this class and was grateful for all the messaging that was getting through. The “can do” basket is more full now than the “can’t do” one. That really works for me.

Here are some of my gratefuls this week for what my body allows me to do…

  1. Clearing snow off my car – I used to moan about this…then it became next to impossible to do…and I found myself longing for the days when I had the opportunity to do it. It would be the most exhausting chore and I couldn’t even lift my arms to get a brush onto the roof. Actually just walking to my car in the snow was exhausting! I would sleep all day, or several days to recover from this simple task. Last year when I had more energy, I cleared off my car…and then almost every car in the parking lot!  Although we haven’t had much snow this year, I have been clearing my car with a huge grin on my face yet again. Something everyone dreads and I can’t get enough of it!
  2. Being able to carry my groceries – It’s such a simple task most of us do every week but it’s taken a long time to get feeling and dexterity back into my hands and then the strength to carry items with them. I can pile more items in each bag because I can get them from my grocery cart to my car without almost passing out. Hell, I even carry groceries down the street again! BOOM!
  3. Geting lids off jars – I stopped buying certain foods because I didn’t have the strength to open them. (Nope,not even with that knife trick) Nothing like getting exhausted trying to make dinner. Gimme your jars – these hands are made of steel! (Insert happy jazz hands here)
  4. Walking down the street to do an errand – For a very long time I would have to stop to rest – sometimes 1-2 hours – on people’s lawns –  before being able to walk a few minutes home. I became the rotating neighbourhood lawn ornament! I thank every part of my body daily for allowing me to move, go to the store, mail a letter.  These tasks are all luxuries.
  5. Scooping up my nieces in huge hugs – They are growing like crazy but are still at the age where I can scoop them up into big bear hugs.  Or have them dance on my feet.  And I have the strength to do that again and it means everything.

So, if you are not happy with a particular body part, speak ill of it, curse it….think of all the actions it allows you to do.  List off 5 regular, everyday tasks it allows you to do.  And then I bet you can easily add many more. Doesn’t matter if it’s a little or a lot gushy, flabby, scarred, marked by time, bony, insert any other word here…. Thank your body and appreciate it.  See it. Love it. It’s really quite amazing and gives you gratefuls every day.

The Body Love Series: Here’s to Having a Bikini & a Body…Not a Bikini Body

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As years pass, new language is created and new words and expressions become the norm.  If you would have told me 20 years ago I would be using emojis every day I would have said,”Umm…excuse me?  What are those?” Some words and expressions reflect what we are doing in society and get picked up by newspaper headlines, the covers of magazines and used in advertisements. But here is the thing…just because some words and expressions become “the norm” doesn’t mean we should accept them as normal.

One of those expressions? Bikini Body. As in Get a Bikini Body, Lose Weight Fast to Have A Bikini Body, Quick Exercises to Get a Bikini Body.  I never heard this expression growing up as a kid of the 70’s. I don’t really remember hearing it much in high school either – and I bought a lot of magazines! But in the last 10-15 years use of the term has amped up so much that it’s guaranteed to see it plastered on the covers of most magazines and across TV segments just before summer hits.  And it definitely is a “norm” that should not be accepted as normal.

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Women’s Health magazine decided to do away with this expression on its covers in December, 2015 because its readers asked for it. Loving it! Readers also asked for the mag to do away with the expression “Drop 2 Sizes” on its cover because it implied quick and unhealthy weight loss. Readers from all walks of life resonated with powerful, empowering words like toned, strong and sexy instead. The words “shrink” and “diet” weren’t relating well to its readers and those got the boot as well.  News of this change really resonated with me because I believe words are very powerful forms of energy.  It is one of the reasons I am really happy to be a part of GoodLife Fitness’ #sexysmartstrong campaign which fits in with this energy and shares what many people of all sizes, shapes and abilities feel makes them sexy, smart and strong. I like that sexy doesn’t have to be about what you wear but a state of mind – and that could mean feeling your sexiest in a big old sweatshirt sweating it out at the gym feeling amazingly proud about yourself or taking a walk around the block with your honey – or by yourself. Or a million other ways that make you feel happy and alive.

I speak with girls about the messaging they are bombarded with every day and we talk about how to reinterpret words and phrases – or lose some of them entirely.  I want them to think of the term bikini body as ridiculous now so they grow up to think of it as ridiculous as women. I hope the conversation spurs them to know they have amazing bodies, and that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and thus so do the bikinis. And may those bikinis be cute, athletic, frilly or whatever style allows a person to express who she really is. Any day of the year and every day of the year.

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Join me in retiring this expression. If you see it on a magazine cover you subscribe to, let the editor know it is not resonating with you. Use it as a means of conversation with a girl or teenager in your life and let her know our bodies have no seasons. And if we ever catch ourselves using this expression, let’s make a mental note to try not to in the future. Little ears hear everything we say. Let’s change the Body Love Conversation for the next generation so they laugh at the ridiculousness of this expression people used to use.

The Body Love Series: Be Kind To Yourself Today

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Be gentle with yourself. Be kind. Be understanding. Be patient.

I think we all push ourselves too much sometimes and forget to treat ourselves with the care we would extend to someone else. I know I used to try to do everything, cram way more into a day than there were hours and cheat on my sleep often.  Beat myself up about what didn’t get done. And now…I just don’t. I can’t. I won’t.

I used to be able to get by on 7 hours of sleep. Now my body needs between 8-9 or I just don’t function well the next day. Less than 8 hours and I will have brain fog all day. Not that I’m-tired-and-would-love-a-nap-but-can-still-function kind of thing. More like I can’t get anything done at all. If I have 2 days in a row of less than 8 hours of sleep, I will have talking and walking difficulties from my Gluten Ataxia – so enough sleep is vital in my life.  I have accepted this as my new normal. It is what is needed for me to be a productive person – to put my energy out to the world in  a way that feels right to me. The more caring I can be to my body, the more caring I can be as a person out in the world.

The more I have been doing lately tying to get out there working again, thinking up projects and writing and brainstorming, the more often I need 10 hours of sleep. I told a few people this and they were stunned.  And this isn’t a sleeping-in-kinda-thing or the exhaustion I used to get when first trying to heal my autoimmunity …this is deep, restorative sleep. I wake up ready to go.  I have learned to have a conversation with my body, to truly know what it needs to re-energize.  And if my body needs extra TLC right now, I am going to give it to it. And not feel lazy. And not feel like I am sleeping in and should jump out of bed and be doing something immediately. And not feel like I need to cram more into my day to make up for sleeping later. I am honouring where my body needs to be right now. And I am structuring my life around what my body needs.

I am not going to be sleeping 10 hours per night the rest of my life. But right now I am. And that’s ok.  Just as I am doing my health homework during my waking hours, I believe allowing my body to properly rest and heal at night is doing my health homework during my sleeping hours!  I am still working with my healthcare practitioners to heal many aspects of my body and I have learned to enjoy this up and down journey. It sure as hell is not a drive on a straight highway!  I tend to envision this journey taking place  in a brightly coloured convertible with my hair flowing in the wind, great tunes playing on the radio laughing my ass off, butterflies in my stomach from the big hills…

So I ask you today to honour your body today for where it’s at. For what it needs. For how it feels. Take a moment to listen to it and literally have a Body Love Conversation with it. There are so many answers and peaceful moments when we honour what we truly need and forget about what everyone else is doing.  Wishing you a beautiful day.

Liis xo

 

 

 

 

Welcome to The Body Love Series: Time to Start a Body Love Conversation!

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Something happened when my body completely fell apart.

I ended up loving it even more than I thought possible.

And the more grateful I became, the more I started to stare at my newly working body parts in awe and wonder and thanked them regularly for the gifts they gave me. My eyes and ears became even more in tune to all the negative body image hype sent our way, all the messages blaring through headlines and TV and articles and ads telling me what wasn’t good enough, what needed fixing, what needed replacing.  What needed to be traded in or cast aside.

The energy felt so…wrong.

After several years of not being able to move much and when I could not very well, I really appreciate when my not-so-toned body helps me walk down the street to the grocery store, when my imperfect belly helps me get up out of a chair, when my kinda squishy arms allow me to hug someone. Having not been able to communicate properly with various combinations of slurring and stuttering and forgetting what I was going to say, I feel as though I have several years of speaking to catch up upon!  I say this literally – not figuratively – I want to climb to the top of a mountain and shout to everyone…

YOUR BODY ROCKS!

RIGHT HERE!

RIGHT NOW!

Body image issues have always been important to me. I have had the honour and privilege of being a plus-size/curvy model for over 20 years while working to make changes in fashion that count everyBODY in, and I have been speaking with girls’ groups for years helping them rethink how they think about the messages that bombard them daily.  And the longer my health time-out lasted with Hashimoto’s & Gluten Ataxia, the more it increased my want to speak up more about our need to stop being so hard on ourselves.

You know what really got me?  All those Before & After photos out there in which  people put themselves down. When I could barely move or walk I would stare at them and think how we have been taught to shame the person, the body, that brought us to today.  I wanted to hug all the “Befores” and tell them,” You are amazing. You carried this person all this way. You loved her. You protected her. You did the best you could. Ok, you may have made some mistakes but we all do.  Even the “Afters” do! You are a superstar and I admire you….throughout time, throughout phases and stages. You are you always and you are amazing. ”

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Can we all use some tune-ups?  Absolutely. Is tweaking aspects of your life a good thing? Yes, it totally is!  Are major changes sometimes necessary? For sure. Is eating well a good idea? Hells yes. Should we get active? Yes!  But the key is making changes from a place of body love – not disgust, not shame – not by putting ourselves down. My motto is this:  We need to speak to ourselves, to our bodies like we would a small child. Build it up with love and kindness. Smiles. Laughter. Joy. Isn’t life way more fun that way?

So technically I still can’t climb a mountain…or even many stairs (you can bet I am working on it) in order to shout YOUR BODY ROCKS! But I can create a Body Love Conversation with you here…on my website…on social media…in the press…and would love for you to join in on the #BLC (that’s the cool hashtag you can use to join the convo!)

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Join me for regular Mantra Mondays posts – the link will always be on my homepage – or sign up for my newsletter at the top of this page to get regular Body Love Blasts sent your way. Check out my Instagram & Facebook for a regular dose of Body Love. And I am excited to start speaking with you regularly on Periscope too! I am particularly excited about #BLC Wednesdays Twitter Convos which will feature incredible Body Love guest hosts which will take place on my @liisonlife Twitter page Wednesday February 17th, March 2, 16 and 30th. My inspiring guests will include beauty expert Janine Falcon (@JanineFalcon) of beautygeeks (catch her on the first chat),  athlete and founder of Born to Reign Athletics (@btrathletics) Krista Henderson, Editor-in-chief of DARE magazine (@daremagcanada), Diana Di Poce, and Meghan Bradley, Director of Curvy Expo (@curvyexpo). Will be sure to keep you up to date on all the details as the series unfolds! (No RSVP required!)

I am really looking forward to chatting with you through The Body Love Series. Together we can change the #BLC.

Liis xo!

 

 

 

The Body Love Series: There Is No “Small” Accomplishment

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February 1, 2016 was a ridiculously awesome day.

I did one push-up.

Let’s back this up shall we…

I used to be an avid  bootcamper. Lunges. Squats. Ab work from hell. And tons of push-ups. Lots and lots of push-ups.  I remember being on a shoot in 2009 and the make-up artist was adding some lotion to my legs.  They were rock solid. So were my arms and well, my butt. I was curvy but solid. She flipped out. She had never met a model with such muscle. I was quite proud because for me I didn’t do those sessions to lose weight, to change my size, to have a ripped body. I did those classes because I felt great, because I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, because they made me feel strong – mentally and physically.

I left every class in an exhausted, steamy haze of sweat – and I loved it! And here is the funny thing…every single person in my class did regular weigh-ins and measurement checks. I didn’t. (I was told I was the only woman in the history of the class not to!)  Those numbers weren’t fuelling me. My newfound strength and sense of accomplishment were fuelling me. As a model, I did have to take my measurements here and there in order to provide that information to clients needing to book a particular size but I never let this define me. One day I had to take my hip measurement for a clothing client that needed to know if a sample pair of pants would fit me….and I realized my hip size had increased…due to my behind becoming more defined from lunges! I thought it was hilarious that I was the only woman in the class loving the fact that her hip measurement  got b-i-g-g-e-r instead of smaller. It still amuses me.

When my workouts started to become impossible in 2011 due to Hashimoto’s, one of the first major difficulties I had was arm strength. I went from being able to crank out push-ups to feeling like my arms were jello. My push-ups left the building in 2011 and it has taken many years to get mobility, feeling and strength from my elbows down through my hands. I have been trying – weekly – to get my push-ups back.

I was in Venice Beach in LA in 2012 and was frustrated and pissed off I could no longer do a push-up. I had no idea at the time that Gluten Ataxia was attacking the messaging from my brain to my body parts, no idea that my system was going to shut down in a way I could not even fathom. I remember telling my friend Shelli that I just wanted to be able to do one. Just one. And she said,”Let’s do some. Right here. Right now. Your body needs help remembering how to do it.” And she practically lifted me in and out of 3 of them. Okay….she DID lift me in and out of 3 of them!  But I was so happy. It felt good. I love this photo because it is sheer triumph and joy, messy hair and all!

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Since then I have kept trying to get strength back and there have been so many tears of sheer determination shed and also many of sheer frustration. The one form of movement that I have been able to make work in my world has been mat Pilates which I have been taking Monday nights for as long as I can remember with my amazing and supportive teacher Svetlana. I had developed so much strength and so many skills over the years and I lost them all in the last few years and instead of starting from scratch, I started at a level way below where I had been years earlier.  She has seen me through so many stages! After my physiotherapy with Neuro-fit Systems in late 2014, I thought my arms were finally starting to get the messaging from my brain to M-O-V-E. Since January 2015 after returning from 3 months of physio, I have tried to do a push-up (with my knees on the ground)  at every Monday class and regularly at home. I celebrated a little bend of my arm. It took me almost an entire year to bend all the way down before collapsing.

I thanked my teacher before the 2015 Christmas holidays and I told her I was going to get my push-up back in 2016. And I warned her that when it happened, I may just yell in class and was apologizing ahead of time for the disturbance to the zen. She told me she expected and looked forward to me celebrating.

And last night, I got my push-up back.

(No, not a proper military one – no need to be cocky right now!)

I really wasn’t expecting it.

It was a gift out of the blue…

…6 years in the making!

I tried to be quiet. I really did. But 6 years of pent up frustration and joy and wonder and gratitude came spilling out and I think I did some form of a yelping victory shout just as Svetlana was watching me come out of the push-up. She knew what was happening and was grinning before I uttered a sound. My classmates all threw me loving words of congratulations. And then I went into child’s pose and wept and wept and slimed my mat with joyous tears. The rest of the class was a blur – literally – I kept crying and couldn’t see anything!

And something so “little” is so life changing. So empowering. Such a stunning, gorgeous gift to receive. Doing one push-up is quite easily one of my life’s greatest accomplishments.  Who knew one little action could mean so much?

I find it amazing as I am launching my Body Love Series, that I get this amazing gift.

So, when there is talk about weight and size and jumping on scales and counting calories and BMI this or that….I just want to say….who cares? I just did my first push-up in 6 years. My body is perfect. And so is yours. Ridiculously, amazingly perfect. No number on a scale, no size on the back of a bathing suit could ever be sweeter to me than my one push-up.  Can we change diet talk to accomplishment talk please?

Looking forward to having you join The Body Love Conversation and sharing your ideas, thoughts and journey.  Use the hashtag #BLC so we can all hear what you want to share.