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The Body Love Series: There Is No “Small” Accomplishment

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February 1, 2016 was a ridiculously awesome day.

I did one push-up.

Let’s back this up shall we…

I used to be an avid  bootcamper. Lunges. Squats. Ab work from hell. And tons of push-ups. Lots and lots of push-ups.  I remember being on a shoot in 2009 and the make-up artist was adding some lotion to my legs.  They were rock solid. So were my arms and well, my butt. I was curvy but solid. She flipped out. She had never met a model with such muscle. I was quite proud because for me I didn’t do those sessions to lose weight, to change my size, to have a ripped body. I did those classes because I felt great, because I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, because they made me feel strong – mentally and physically.

I left every class in an exhausted, steamy haze of sweat – and I loved it! And here is the funny thing…every single person in my class did regular weigh-ins and measurement checks. I didn’t. (I was told I was the only woman in the history of the class not to!)  Those numbers weren’t fuelling me. My newfound strength and sense of accomplishment were fuelling me. As a model, I did have to take my measurements here and there in order to provide that information to clients needing to book a particular size but I never let this define me. One day I had to take my hip measurement for a clothing client that needed to know if a sample pair of pants would fit me….and I realized my hip size had increased…due to my behind becoming more defined from lunges! I thought it was hilarious that I was the only woman in the class loving the fact that her hip measurement  got b-i-g-g-e-r instead of smaller. It still amuses me.

When my workouts started to become impossible in 2011 due to Hashimoto’s, one of the first major difficulties I had was arm strength. I went from being able to crank out push-ups to feeling like my arms were jello. My push-ups left the building in 2011 and it has taken many years to get mobility, feeling and strength from my elbows down through my hands. I have been trying – weekly – to get my push-ups back.

I was in Venice Beach in LA in 2012 and was frustrated and pissed off I could no longer do a push-up. I had no idea at the time that Gluten Ataxia was attacking the messaging from my brain to my body parts, no idea that my system was going to shut down in a way I could not even fathom. I remember telling my friend Shelli that I just wanted to be able to do one. Just one. And she said,”Let’s do some. Right here. Right now. Your body needs help remembering how to do it.” And she practically lifted me in and out of 3 of them. Okay….she DID lift me in and out of 3 of them!  But I was so happy. It felt good. I love this photo because it is sheer triumph and joy, messy hair and all!

liis-windischmann-body-love-series

Since then I have kept trying to get strength back and there have been so many tears of sheer determination shed and also many of sheer frustration. The one form of movement that I have been able to make work in my world has been mat Pilates which I have been taking Monday nights for as long as I can remember with my amazing and supportive teacher Svetlana. I had developed so much strength and so many skills over the years and I lost them all in the last few years and instead of starting from scratch, I started at a level way below where I had been years earlier.  She has seen me through so many stages! After my physiotherapy with Neuro-fit Systems in late 2014, I thought my arms were finally starting to get the messaging from my brain to M-O-V-E. Since January 2015 after returning from 3 months of physio, I have tried to do a push-up (with my knees on the ground)  at every Monday class and regularly at home. I celebrated a little bend of my arm. It took me almost an entire year to bend all the way down before collapsing.

I thanked my teacher before the 2015 Christmas holidays and I told her I was going to get my push-up back in 2016. And I warned her that when it happened, I may just yell in class and was apologizing ahead of time for the disturbance to the zen. She told me she expected and looked forward to me celebrating.

And last night, I got my push-up back.

(No, not a proper military one – no need to be cocky right now!)

I really wasn’t expecting it.

It was a gift out of the blue…

…6 years in the making!

I tried to be quiet. I really did. But 6 years of pent up frustration and joy and wonder and gratitude came spilling out and I think I did some form of a yelping victory shout just as Svetlana was watching me come out of the push-up. She knew what was happening and was grinning before I uttered a sound. My classmates all threw me loving words of congratulations. And then I went into child’s pose and wept and wept and slimed my mat with joyous tears. The rest of the class was a blur – literally – I kept crying and couldn’t see anything!

And something so “little” is so life changing. So empowering. Such a stunning, gorgeous gift to receive. Doing one push-up is quite easily one of my life’s greatest accomplishments.  Who knew one little action could mean so much?

I find it amazing as I am launching my Body Love Series, that I get this amazing gift.

So, when there is talk about weight and size and jumping on scales and counting calories and BMI this or that….I just want to say….who cares? I just did my first push-up in 6 years. My body is perfect. And so is yours. Ridiculously, amazingly perfect. No number on a scale, no size on the back of a bathing suit could ever be sweeter to me than my one push-up.  Can we change diet talk to accomplishment talk please?

Looking forward to having you join The Body Love Conversation and sharing your ideas, thoughts and journey.  Use the hashtag #BLC so we can all hear what you want to share.

So I Did A TEDx Talk…

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I love TED and TEDx talks. Ever since I first discovered them I was hooked and in the back on my mind I thought,”I want to do one of those one day.” I’ve been able to see people I admire speak about their lives and experiences or been introduced to individuals I had never heard of before but after their talks had me madly Googling them to find out more.The first one I viewed will always resonate with me and I have watched it countless times – Aimee Mullins: It’s not fair having 12 pairs of legs.  Aimee is so incredible on so many levels and I love speaking of her, sharing her images and her point of view with children when we talk about body image and self-esteem. Amanda Palmer: The Art of Asking is so brilliantly delivered that it upped the game for every presentation I saw after. I was completely smitten by Ron Finely’s A Guerilla Gardener in South Central LA talk. Have watched it numerous times and it is powerful yet amusing. You have to catch Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability. And one that deeply touched my soul and had me tearing up was Monica Lewinsky: The price of shame.  Incredible. I tried to hug her through the computer.

I put it out to the universe that I wanted to do a TEDx talk by the end of 2015…and then I got an email in February…asking me to do a TEDx talk. I almost fell off my chair.  (I need to keep manifesting!) I was invited by Craig Zimmer, an incredible teacher,  who has been sharing his passion for TED talks with his students, school – and the entire school board –  through the TEDxStMaryCSS event and the TEDEdClub. I love that he is encouraging the next generation to speak up with confidence! I figured I had until June 5, the date of the event, to get my body and brain working better together while healing from gluten ataxia.  Lots of time I thought.  After many revisions, I decided to entitle my talk An Exploration of Identity and take the audience through the journey I had been on that had opened my eyes to so many lessons. I thought I was doing well as the date was approaching…even if my walking was still not up to par, my brain seemed to be working better. I just needed my brain and my mouth to work on that stage for less than 2o minutes and all would be fine.

However, the more I spoke aloud and practiced, the more scrambled my brain got. My brain is still building up its motor skills and connections and speaking was taking me down. Leading up to the talk, I was slurring my words, stuttering, flipping words in sentences and was unable to remember anything that was not in chronological order.  My head hurt in a way it had never hurt before – not a headache….like someone who was injuring herself by repeating an action.  I was sobbing in my friend Shelli’s arms in my kitchen 2 days before my talk. Not only did I not think I would physically be able to do it, I questioned if I would ever be able to give a talk or work on TV ever again.  I explained to my friend that it felt like a runner trying to complete a marathon on a broken leg in a cast – could it be possible? Yes. Would it lead to long term injury? Probably. Would it be a very good idea? No. It must be noted that Shelli is a complete and utter rock star and has literally hugged my soul daily throughout this journey.

With fellow TEDx speakers Ashley Rose & Simone Denny.

With fellow TEDx speakers Ashley Rose & Simone Denny.

I asked if I could speak at the event first and meticulously planned what I ate that morning and when, when I meditated and drove there in silence. Eating with precise timing helped stave off severe blood sugar issues which would also lead to severe brain fog, stuttering and slurring. Knowing I could speak first meant I knew my food would help keep my brain operating and I would not have to worry about how the day’s timing unfolded. I wouldn’t have to worry about how much I spoke with others or how much I walked because both would take up a lot of energy needed for the talk. I did anything and everything to calm down my brain. And I made the executive decision to eliminate all slides. It may sound simple to talk while clicking the remote in order to pull up a few pictures but for me that seemed the equivalent of running backwards while patting my head and rubbing my belly while trying to tell a joke. I asked if I could put up a few bullet points on the prompter instead. I could. I exhaled. Salvation.

I am really proud of my TEDx talk – for standing up there and simply speaking. I climbed a mountain to get there and presenting it was a sweet-as-all-hell gift. It didn’t matter to me if I was standing or sitting – I just wanted to speak. I literally spent all summer after that looking into getting a scooter wheelchair because I just kept getting utterly exhausted – and I realized that being able to speak meant more to me than walking everywhere.  Every day became a day of bartering with my motor skills. Ok, you want to use this motor skill?  You’ve got to give up these ones for the rest of the day. You want to use several motor skills today?  You will need to nap for the rest of the week… I wanted my energy….to speak…to be me…to express myself to the world, share my thoughts and ideas – and I did not care anymore if I was standing or sitting. Where once I was completely gutted by the thought of sitting in a scooter, I started to get really excited. I could feel the wind whipping through my hair on the path by the beach and pictured myself buzzing around airports going places. I looked up rentals at The Louvre and figured I would have an advantage and actually see way more incredible art on a scooter! THAT got me really excited. And I was introduced to the magic of an electric bike which further opened up my world of possibilities. If it could conserve my energy to be able to speak and communicate and socialize more, and enjoy more moments,  it would be worth it to sit more often.  I realized even more so how much I truly loved and valued my brain and the thoughts in it and the expression my lips could convey to the world.

What a hell of a way to truly know body love and to appreciate every single day on this planet!  I continuously tweak my “health homework” and made some more health changes at the end of the summer that have helped turn my energy levels around.  Every day has been a gift in more mobility, increased energy, better brain function and creativity. I know healing will be an ongoing process for quite some time but I am overjoyed with the changes and revel in walking a little longer as each month passes. I am so beyond honoured to have been able to present this talk and now know that my desire to get out there and do more talks is possible. Bring. It. On. Thanks so much for taking the time to watch my TEDx talk. Every view means more to me than I could ever convey. And please…

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Love yourself more.

Hug your soul more.

Tell your body it is amazing regularly.

Stare at your body parts in wonder.

Stop stepping on a scale every day.

Don’t worry about what size you are.

Thank your body for its magnificence.

Know that you are ridiculously amazing throughout all time and space.

You are utterly perfect – never forget it.

Liis xo

 

 

 

 

 

Pay Attention to the Little Heath Things…They Are Never Little

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I had a few big smiles this week. From little things. Little things that are big things. Like so many people, I didn’t realize how many parts of me were falling apart and leading to bigger health issues – and they are all “little things” I hear so many people comment upon weekly.

Before I got diagnosed with Hashimoto’s in 2011 and really started to revamp my health, “health things” would crop up but because they are so commonplace in our everyday culture, language and acceptance, I chalked them up to what gets added to your body’s health pile as you get older. But now I realize that uhh….hell to the no….this isn’t supposed to happen! Grey hair? Yes.  Wrinkles and laugh lines? Sure. A multitude of everyday problems? NO!

This week I wore earrings twice. Big deal you’re thinking. It actually is a very big deal. All my friends know me as an accessory addict – I love jewellery.  But I had got to a point that my ears would be on fire from wearing earrings for even a few minutes – didn’t matter what they were made of. When I had to wear some for modelling shoots, I would grin and bear it and rip them off as soon as possible.  So I haven’t worn earrings for years.

My body has been on high alert for so many years and it is just now starting to calm down. All the goodness I have been fueling it with by eating gluten-free and Paleo, taking the right supplements for my body, changing my household and beauty products to healthier versions is paying off.  Thinking about stressors in my life and keeping them to a minimum is making a difference – this covers everything from work to my social life to how I talk and think, making sure to meditate daily, getting enough sleep. I liken my body to a frightened cat thrown into freezing water that needs a loving, calm hand to pet it to calm it down, hug and cuddle it – let it know its safe.  My body is now realizing it is safe and in good hands.

So, aside from the multitude (the list is HUGE) of improvements from addressing Hashimoto’s, Endometriosis and Gluten Ataxia, here are some “little things” that have changed in my world that used to occur frequently and I had, like many of you perhaps, accepted as my daily norm. They are all now gone.

Seasonal Allergies – I used to be a mess every spring – stuffy nose, head and face aches, fogginess, overall feeling like crap.

Pet Allergies – I literally did not touch anyone’s pets for years and if I did and then touched my face, I would feel awful for days. Or, I would pet a dog and then have to immediately wash my hands. Having an adorable cat nuzzle my face or sit in my lap?  Forget it!

Reaction to Jewellery – My skin started to react to everything. I remember wearing a necklace in 2011 and having the imprint seared to my skin for a week (and it wasn’t a cheap one!) Earrings would cause my ears to turn beet red and I could never wear them for more than half an hour before having to rip them off.

Acid Reflux – I started taking antacids regularly – several times per week. I started to make up rules like “no orange juice past 4:00” or “no salsa around dinnertime” as it would literally keep me up all night with acid burning my throat. It could leave me coughing for days from the burning. I literally started to make “acid rules.” How crazy is that?

Constant Colds – I think it’s easier to say I was a walking cold versus trying to tell you how many I had in a year.  Before 2011, I remember being sick all the time – colds lingered for months. I would joke that I had wet lung because I literally would have a constant wheezing cough. Looking back, it really wasn’t something to joke about.  I have had the sniffles for exactly 2 days since 2011 and no colds, no flu.

Runny Nose – Growing up, I would joke with my family because I never had a runny or stuffy nose. I rarely needed tissue and would never bring any with me as I watched others stuff their pockets with them to have handy. As I got diagnosed, I realized my wastebaskets were constantly full of tissues and the amount had steadily increased over the years.  I was literally blowing my nose all the time. I was a snotty disaster. No more.

Frequent Weather Headaches – Any time there would be a big build-up to a thunderstorm, I would get blinding headaches – in-bed-in-the-dark-don’t-talk-to-anyone-eyes-welded-shut-I-am-going-to-vomit headaches. I would happily await a downpour as I knew this would help bring relief. I coined them “barometric pressure headaches.” I literally wanted someone to create a barometric pressure chamber to relieve me of the pain. I know so many people who have weather related headaches. Upon going gluten-free in 2011, my weather headaches vanished. Never had one since.

Anything sound familiar?  Anything sound like something you have accepted as part of your everyday life? I have realized something really important in my health journey…

An accepted norm doesn’t mean something is normal.

No more letting “little things” add up. Little things are always big things. Our bodies give us a million and one warning signs when they need help. It’s amazing but we pay more attention to blinking lights on our car dashboards alerting us to maintenance issues than similar warnings given to us by our bodies.  We get our cars into service shops as soon as possible so they don’t break down! Hmm….

Happy for the health homework that has brought me to today and for the tweaks that continue to improve my life.  Here is to cuddling with cute pets…in the spring…while wearing earrings, during bad weather – but not while eating salsa – that would be kinda awkward….and a little gross and probably messy…

Freedom On Two Wheels – And Another Aha Moment Too…

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Every time I think my major life lessons are over another one hits me upside the head and says,”See?  You still have some major awesome stuff to learn!” I sit in the new energy often through lingering vibes of pissed-offedness (because some of my biggest breakthroughs seem to come through while feeling like utter crap) mixed with the sheer and utter gratefulness of another major “aha moment.”  I usually smile and sit in silent wonder thinking how the latest breakthrough has made a major impact on my being – and by being I mean my soul as a being and my everyday way of being –  how I will now go forward on this planet with my new knowledge every day until the day I move on over to the other side. Then I start grinning a lot. The grinning part is so much more fun than the frustrated part…

There is a quote by Pema Chodron that I discovered a few years back which has guided me and cradled me in some confusing and frustrating and painful times.  Every time I get cocky thinking my health journey is over…

I’ve got this!

I’m a rock star!

I am on fire!

Buh-bye autoimmunity!

…and do a little too much and am zapped – either can’t walk properly, start slurring my words, my brain shuts down, can’t leave the house, can’t be social, or all of the above and then some, or have an experience that teaches me even more appreciation and gratitude, I reflect on this quote and ponder what my latest lesson has taught me – how it’s made me a better person, how the ripple effect of the lesson will reach into the rest of my life and how my changed perception will in turn trickle out to others.

Ready?

Good right? I know. Sit with it. I’ll wait.

These words of wisdom hit me yet again about a month ago.  I had the honour of meeting a new friend who was house sitting next door. Jayne is sweet and vibrant and owns a sassy new seafoam green Pedego electric bike perfectly matching her bubbly personality. What I didn’t realize at first is that she also has mobility issues.  Or that her bike had opened up a new world of freedom for her. She looked so sporty in her bike helmet. She looked so happy showing off Sedna – that’s the bike’s name FYI – formally known as Sedna Seafoam. ( A bike with this much mojo has to be named after a goddess)

She offered me a turn on her bike several times and I politely kept putting it off. Deep down I realized there was no way I could pedal a bike and make it around the block without losing all energy. Then one day the universe intervened – the bike had a flat and I offered to help her take it in my car to get fixed. As we stood with the newly repaired bike in the parking lot, she said with a twinkle in her eye,”You really should take it for a short spin to try it out.”  Sooo…I got on…and had no idea how much the electricity could carry me. I was in shock. And awe. And I burst out crying from happiness. In a few moments, I felt a multitude of possibilities open up.

I took the bike out for a spin the next day.  Just putting on the bike helmet was thrilling. This simple act made me feel active.  I used the throttle mostly so I didn’t have to pedal much and made sure not to stay out too long because I really had no idea how much energy I would need. I hit the path along the lake I used to walk along several days a week for years. I would always do a loop hitting a magical little pocket in the heart of the city surrounded by glimmering water. It felt like being in cottage country without the massive tax bill. It was always heaven – like finding treasure right in your backyard.

As I passed a particular point on the beach, a wave of revelation hit me. I realized I had not been able to walk past this spot since…2011.  Five years. Five years of feeling like a dog tethered to a very short leash.  My body and brain had allowed a limit of up to a thirty minute walk on a good day. And every time I tried to reach a further destination, or walk a little longer, I was always yanked back. But not this day.  This day I had wheels. And no leash.

I circled pathways ten times over that I haven’t been able to visit in years. I marvelled at the beauty of the boats in the marina. I looked at the city skyline framed by the sun and lake. I passed one guy fishing and by the sixth go-round, he was staring at me with amusement. By the tenth pass I think he thought I was spying on him – or about to steal his fish. I freaked out picnickers as I circled them numerous times and could see the “You again?!” looks on the faces of joggers.  And I looked really rather goofy with the biggest grin plastered to my face (and err….ate some bugs too). It was a giant can of awesome.

liis-on-life-pedego-electric-bike

Emotions and a multitude of thoughts bombarded me along the way…

And I realized several things on a deep soul level I needed to know…

Freedom of movement makes you feel empowered and alive.

 

The importance of actions revealing what is in your soul – feeling athletic, looking athletic. Even if I wasn’t really pedalling, my soul was pedalling. 

 

 

Being perceived as the active person you know yourself to be.

 

 

The importance of feeling the wind kissing your face, sunshine beaming down on you and inhaling fresh air.

 

The need to feel like we belong and not being cut off from the world. Smiling at toddlers on their killer trikes navigating the bike path. Happily making eye contact with a lovely older gentleman who tips his hat as you bike past.  Watching a family bent on a picnic day try to ignite their little barbecue – ten times over.

 

More freedom.

 

Feeling like YOU. The active YOU that has got stuck for some time. The YOU you want to world to know.  The REAL YOU.

 

My mind exploded with ideas.  In less than half an hour, I realized I could travel the world if my body couldn’t carry me long or far enough. I could visit the streets of Amsterdam and see the beautiful canals again, explore back roads of small towns, go around the lake every single day. I could buy bikes for those in need in the future –  opening up pathways of freedom the same way I have got to experience. All the visions in my head were of smiling faces – freedom mixed with sheer joy. In thirty minutes, my entire world opened up to new possibilities – simply by riding a bike.

Yesterday I picked up Sedna and have the honour of hanging out with her for a whole two weeks. I could pinch myself. Ok, I did pinch myself!  And after making some more health changes over the last few weeks, I am so excited to have more energy.  I am so jazzed to see if I can pedal a bit more! But more than anything, I am so grateful for another major “aha” moment I wouldn’t have had in perfect health. To have hit an even deeper level of gratitude.  To have a lesson in joy and aim to bring that joy to others in whatever way I can going forward. To let my joy settle in my soul. I am so honoured to have been able to experience a multitude of lessons that were revealed to me in a beautiful bike named Sedna.

And now I am going for another spin…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Good Ole Cry Is Healthy For the Mind, Body & Soul

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Remember when you were a kid and you would finish bawling your eyes out and your mom or dad would tenderly say,”All done now?  Feel better?”  You would whimper, shake your head up and down to say YES, suck back a few last gulps of air, wipe the snot off your face and a big, loving, parental hand would wipe the tears from your face. Maybe you were overtired. Maybe you were frustrated. Maybe your were disappointed. Maybe you were sad. Maybe you were overwhelmed. Maybe you were mad. Maybe you had no idea what was wrong but your tears sparked a conversation getting to the root of the matter. This wasn’t an Oscar worthy performance to get your way with something. This was a genuine expression of emotion. And that genuine expression of emotion was valued, honoured and respected by your parent.

So when did it become so CRAZY and WEIRD and WRONG to bawl your eyes out once in a while?  To release emotions and physical overload your mind, body and soul needs to set free to the universe?  To release whatever your body needs to release so it doesn’t settle into your cells, into your mitochondria and cause future states of dis-ease and blockages?  (Don’t get me wrong – if you are bawling daily, you need to get yourself to a loving healthcare provider that can get to the root of your dis-ease – you deserve big smiles daily!)

I’ve had an interesting journey with crying over the last few years. I knew it wasn’t from being depressed, moody, sad or from hormonal changes with Hashimoto’s. When I had tried to get through a Pilates class and do certain moves, I would start crying – partly from frustration but the majority of it was a natural response. When I would try to lift my limbs in certain ways that were impossible, I would involuntarily start to cry. It wasn’t until I was in physiotherapy with the incredible team at Neuro-fit Systems for my gluten ataxia that I put the why-the-heck-am-I-crying-again pieces together. My body was in sensory overload and my personal reaction when it got pushed to its limits was to burst out crying. It’s kind of like pouring liquid into a full glass – the contents have to go somewhere so they spill over. My spillover automatic reflex was to start crying. For others it may have been a temper tantrum, aggression, acting out, walking away completely from the stimulus. My body needed to release emotion, needed to release pressure somehow and it chose crying. Just tilting my head back on certain days was shocking to my system – and I bawled.  My amazing physiotherapists helped me work through this and the reaction continued to lessen. But here is the thing:  I always felt better after. My body instinctively knew what it was doing. It loosened my system to help accept the new action, massaged and softened the response from my panicking nervous system. It helped my body by saying,”This is going to be difficult but we’re going to throw in a tool to make it easier.”

As I keep lovingly pushing my body to increasing levels of ability, I don’t flinch if I start to cry. And outside of that, I now welcome a good ole cry every once in a while. And not because it is an involuntary response, but because my soul needs to purge, to throw it all down on the table. To get it out there for examination. For reflection. Because my massive levels of frustration over the last few years justifies the release. Because it makes me a better person. Makes me stronger. Happier. More vibrant. It’s something natural, instinctual that society has quashed once we left childhood – especially in males. I look forward to sharing my life with a man that isn’t embarrassed to cry once in a while, that sees the benefits in this release – and sees no shame. For there should be no shame in crying for anyone.

Think about the value in crying, when someone is in mourning, what are the comments ofter heard? When someone delays their grief, doesn’t shed a tear, what do people often say?

You should cry. It’s good for you to let it all out.

I’m here for you. You can cry on my shoulder any time day or night.

Just let it out. You need to let it out.

Poor thing, she is only delaying the grieving process. This will catch up with her eventually.

She didn’t cry at all. I am really worried about her.

I have an empowering a-couple-of-times-a-year cry dialogue with a friend. The scenario could flip and be either one of us depending on the month or the year. It goes something like this:

I went to the lake today and just bawled. Left it all there. Felt great after. Lighter. Better. More refreshed.

Oh! Good for you! Wish I could have a good bawlfest right around now. I really need one.

I hope you do. It felt great. My brain is clear. My soul is clear. It opened up more room.

I am so jealous right now.

Don’t worry, when you need to bawl, you will.

What did you do after?

I went home and was so inspired and wrote all afternoon, jotted down tons of notes for a new project, reorganized my office, went to a yoga class, connected with an incredible new business contact and ….

Would you think it crazy, weird or wrong to get a much needed massage for your overworked body? Go to a yoga, Pilates or fitness class?  Treat your body well with a healthy meal or green smoothie?  Go to physiotherapy? Meditate to soothe your mind, body and soul? Go to a relaxing spa day? Spend a quiet day with an inspiring book? A good cry every once in a while is just as healthy as any of these options. Let’s flip the switch on how we look at this gift from our bodies.  Let’s see all the benefits it offers. Let’s honour animalistic traits that are a part of the human experience that have been suppressed when they should be viewed as natural – and necessary.

Welcome a good cry session every once in a while. Be thankful for the release.  Be thankful that your body is helping you out, keeping you on track, keeping you healthy. Embrace it and know there is nothing crazy, weird or wrong about it in any way.  It’s just a wonderful part of you.

 

 

 

 

Why You’ll Never Hear Me Complain About Winter

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This winter rocked.

Shovelling was awesome.

Clearing off my car repeatedly was thrilling.

Chipping ice off my windows was fantastic.

Digging out my car tires was joy filled.

Repeatedly clearing my walk made me smile.

I am not sure if this winter had more snow than most, was colder than normal, or I was just more aware of the typical I-hate-winter comments that seem to be the norm every year. All I know, is that my body and brain allowed me to do everyday tasks that I am sure I used to moan and kvetch about year after year. I am now bowing out of that comment game forever.

For the first time in several years, I didn’t have to meticulously plan my energy for the week if I had to dig my car out. I didn’t have to think about how I would lift my arms to clear the roof off my car, pray for sun to melt the ice off the windows because I had zero strength to scrape them, I didn’t get completely nauseous and dizzy from five minutes of snow clearing, I didn’t have to clear my car in short segments up to 5 times for something that should have taken a few minutes and sleep for hours after.  I could actually not only push a shovel but grip the handle and lift heavy snow and toss it to the side. Much better than my adopted technique of trying to brush aside a path with my feet.

I found myself grinning from ear to ear from the sheer joy and gratitude of getting to clear off my car. I had energy and I wanted to use it! I went a little crazy a few times and decided to clear off my neighbours’ cars too.  Same with shovelling….I just kept going…because I could. There may have been a few appreciative happy dances beside my car, and several walks through fresh fallen snow with a huge grin on my face. And I did not chime in on the winter complaining…I became the annoying Susie Sunshine of Winter World.

I didn’t get to skate this winter – was still too wobbly for that. But the sheer JOY from digging my car out and shovelling made up for it. Sound crazy?  When everyday tasks are taken away, and you get them back, you will never moan about them again.  They are gifts of movement. They are gifts of strength. They are gifts of independence.

It’s April and everyone is expecting spring.  Yesterday was one of the first days in months that I was really energetic and walked normally all day – no back pain from overcompensating for my legs walking wobbly, no knees buckling, no feeling like my legs were jello, no sensory overload and my brain felt sharp.  Magical day all around.  I went to a movie and came out to a surprise snowfall. I grinned as I yet again cleared my car off. I thought it was a nice winter send off as I was standing on my strong legs, with my strong arms able to quickly clear off my car.  I am so excited for winter next year. Bring on skating. Bring on skiing. Bring on a hike in the snow. And bring on more car clearing. Bring on shovelling. I can’t wait.

 

 

I Climbed the Mountain & Reclaimed My 5K

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I’ve had a few days to reflect upon my Reclaim My 5K project – or race if you rather. I didn’t think I would go through so many emotions before, during and after one week of walking! I find the daily in’s and out’s of living with autoimmunity and gluten ataxia to be fascinating – on a mental, physical and spiritual level. Every time I think I can’t possibly reach another level of gratitude, of awe and wonder… and yes, frustration, I do.  Craziest roller coaster I have ever been on.

There is an amazing energy in reclaiming something that you feel has been taken away – not lost – taken away. I feel as though I have been staring up at the mountain I had planned to climb for several years and have been camped out at the base watching everyone else go up for a climb in the bright sunshine. Your brain never stopped wanting to climb. Your heart never stopped wanting to climb. Your soul never stopped wanting to climb. Your body just kept saying,”I still need to rest. Not ready yet.” And so you waited. And waited. And waited. And kept staring up that mountain. Day after day.

Liis on Life Reclaim My 5K

Rocking the KM’s with the help of GoodLife Fitness, Katie K Active (K1,3,5) & Reitmans (K2,4)

It felt really good to reclaim that mountain. I burst out crying several times leading up to Day 1. I just didn’t think I would ever get back to walking so far. I think if you saw me, you’d think I look perfectly normal, maybe even athletic. I felt alive on that first day and was in shock that I could have actually walked a little further. I felt like an athlete having the sponsorship of KatieK Active and Reitmans. Wearing their clothes made the physical aspect of simply walking slowly feel worthy and important. I felt valued as an athlete – regardless of my pace. Having them and GoodLife Fitness support me enthusiastically on this journey symbolically on a soul level meant…

You see me.

You see who I was.

You see who I am.

You see who I will be.

As each day went on, and I got another KM under my belt, something inside me was switching over from years of sitting in the energy of UNATTAINABLE  to the energy of ACCOMPLISHMENT. It was a monumental shift for me, a necessary shift. I realized how urgent it had be for me to make up a race, create this project and not wait for summer weather and an official race. It needed to be done NOW – in whatever form could happen NOW.

 

Liis on Life Reclaim My 5K

On the Reclaim My 5K finish line with Head Coach Momma Fran & my 1st place medal & trophy!

As the week went on, the support I received was incredible and I had tears reading comments from many people – some complete strangers. More than ever, it made me realize the importance of sharing our thoughts with each other, sending comments and encouragement to those we love and to those we have never met. This was so uplifting as I became completely exhausted during the week and my brain started shutting down. It’s like there is a pump and the more activity I do, the more it pumps the energy out of my brain. Legs need to work = brain loses power. This has been gradually improving thankfully.

I had sea legs every time I got off the treadmill and it would take several hours to calm my system down.  My gait went through several phases last week – I have to speak of them affectionately – the clomp, the little kid stomping through puddles, the wobble, the shuffle, the prancing horse. And just plain old herky-jerky. My dad always insisted it was a real expression, I begged to differ but have to agree, it describes my walking quite accurately now!

All unique.

All fascinating.

All aspects of me.

I got frustrated part way through the week because my brain started to slow down leading to complete brain fog, slurring of words and stuttering. It made putting up coherent posts on social media about the race quite challenging. I have agreed to do an important speech in June and I started to panic thinking simply walking for a few days may have jeopardized that. Being in uncharted health territory in which relapses have lasted for months,  sometimes the future unfolds like a mystery grab bag in which you don’t know what the contents are until you open it up.

I have to say though….Day 5 was sweet! Finishing what had eluded me for so long felt FANTASTIC. That 5th KM represented so much more than a physical accomplishment. It was a mental and spiritual victory after years of patience.  To have my mom there meant a lot. She has been with me every step of this journey hopping on airplanes with me trying to get a diagnosis and treatment, cheering me on when I would somehow get through live TV appearances and crumble after, and being right beside me on this roller coaster – for the exciting highs and the not-so-fun lows. My crew of cool babes Shelli, Lori-ann and my sister Cheryl rock for helping me all week – and always. My nieces and sister Karen sent along victory flowers and a card which made the end of the race even more special.

I pretty much stayed in bed all day after I finished and didn’t speak with anyone for 2 days. Or in Secret Op Code that I have with my friends to make light of the situation, I simply text: Going dark.  That means they know I need to decompress. I’m alive, but don’t call me because I can’t talk (because at some points, talking is as exhausting as movement). But here’s the magical part – the bounce back. My friends and family talked me through it…look how far you’ve come…look where you were this time last year…you’ll rebound faster this time…this will be a good test to see where you are after a few days of rest. They rock the party. Large. After several days of shuffling and walking into walls, I walked almost normally yesterday and even did a couple hours of shooting – IN HEELS!  (Wobbly, and standing in place, but in heels) Nice. Most importantly, my brain is sharp and focused today. Ideas are flowing. Creativity is firing. My brain and my body are acting as one. I see my June speech before me with no problems…but will make sure not to do a lot of walking leading up to it! And an all week Zumba marathon is not going to happen…

Liis on Life Reclaim My 5K

Race medal & trophy for Liis Your Feet Have Wings Windischmann

The trophy I bought myself reflects my feelings today. There is a running shoe with wings flying over a stopwatch. Time is not important. Speed is not important. My feet, my amazing, agile-in-whatever-form feet have wings to carry them and are flying over all of that. I am above that stopwatch running my own race. Running my way up that mountain. And it feels good.

To those of you on a similar journey…

I toast you for the slow and steady climb up whatever mountain has been eluding you.

I walk beside you on your journey of reclaiming a part of you that has been away for far too long.

I celebrate whatever stage you are at in restoring your health & happiness.

I honour your abilities whatever stage they are at.

I know your body is a masterpiece of beauty and perfection.

I’ve got this. You’ve got this. We’ve got this. Done. On to more mountains and adventures! #rockyourbody

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve Reclaimed Over Half of My 5K!

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I’m halfway there and then some! Insert happy dance here. I have been smiling all week but I am not going to lie…I could be in bed every night by 9:00! I guess I haven’t realized how many breaks I have been giving myself while out walking trying to build up my stamina. But I realized today how many gifts were in those breaks…

On my “race training circuit,” I’ve stopped to speak more often with people out walking their dogs, and played with lots of puppies. I’ve laughed out loud watching kids try to run around in their overstuffed winter coats and snow pants. I’ve snapped amazing winter photos and studied the lights and decor in trees. I’ve even meditated on the sunny days – lots of available benches in winter!

Liis Windischmann Reclaim My 5K

Reclaim My 5K – Race outfit Katie K Active

I met some lovely and encouraging women today at GoodLife Fitness​ who were asking about what I was up to. So nice to have their support! It was also nice to walk, talk and look sideways and not fall over! That is one of the side effects of gluten ataxia and I am happy that is no longer happening. I have already fallen off the treadmill….don’t really need it to happen again!

Liis Windischmann Reclaim My 5K

Reclaim My 5K – Race outfit Reitmans Hyba Activewear

I’ve had such amazing support from my friends and family and the community on social media!  Every comment leaves me grinning, several have moved me to tears and the encouragement from complete strangers is quite lovely. My amazing friend Shelli was my coach and photographer on Day 1 and my wonderful sister Cheryl has been out helping me reclaim the treadmill throughout the week. I laughed out loud listening to an incredible voice mail from my nieces and sister Karen wishing me well on my big race. That’s a keeper for sure! And my head coach?  That would have to be my mom Fran. She has literally been with me every step (wobbly or otherwise) of the way. She travelled with me to find a diagnosis and came with me to physiotherapy and let me cry on her shoulder many times.  She will be with me when I cross the “finish line.” I am one lucky woman.

With 3K down and 2 to go, I am simply thrilled this week is happening. Thrilled the inner and outer athlete have met up again. Thrilled to be in an energetic busy gym.  A big part of healing from gluten ataxia is being able to be in a busy environment without having system overload. Just going to a gym is an accomplishment – getting on the treadmill is an added bonus! Walking on that treadmill? Even bigger bonus! Thanks GoodLife Fitness!

Liis Windischmann Reclaim My 5K

Reclaim My 5K – Race outfit Katie K Active

Have to mention my amazing race outfits from Katie K Active​ and Reitmans’ Hyba Activewear line.  I greatly admire companies that know fitness comes in all shapes and sizes.  That’s really important to me!  I feel like a true athlete with their support. I look forward to following up on the pieces more after the race because I really must brag about how fun and fabulous they are! Keep catching them this week as I share photos from each leg of the race on Facebook and Instagram.

I have been excited to share this race with you because it’s for all of us who have had to reclaim something be it health related or otherwise. I am glad to be on this journey with you and look forward to being a part of your race one day, whatever that race may be. I will be cheering you on!

See you at the finish line!

Psst! Katie K Active has extended a race discount to my tribe. Until April 30th, enter code LOL15 for a $15 credit towards an order of $25 or more (cannot be combined with other offers, sale items or used for gift cards).

 

It is Time to Reclaim My 5K!

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In 2011, I was rocking my workouts. I was on fire. I had just segued from twice weekly boot camp sessions to almost daily gym visits. I was really proud of myself for being the only woman in the history of the boot camp sessions to not participate in the monthly measurements and weigh-ins. For me, it was about feeling powerful, athletic. Killing my workouts was my goal. Altering my size was never my focus. I was on a mission to feel great and get moving. I still chuckle flashing back to having my hips measured for a modelling client who needed to fit a particular pair of pants on me. My hip measurement actually increased because my behind got so muscular – and curvy –  from all the glute work I had done and was now sitting higher. Nice. I was amused.

I grew to love jogging. Always athletic growing up, I loved various workouts over the years, adored sprints and day long bike rides, yet had dreaded jogging.  I do not exaggerate when I say I loathed it. But I kept hearing about this elusive runners’ high and decided to keep pushing through the dread to see if I could find it. And one day I did. And I was hooked. And jogging became thrilling and fun.

Although I excelled in running in my younger years, this didn’t seem to translate to jogging talent in 2011.  It would be quite accurate to say I started off jogging a 14 minute mile versus a 4 minute one…. Didn’t matter to me. I would challenge myself every gym visit to shave a few seconds off my time.  5 seconds? Amazing. 30? Happy dance + fist pumps and most likely some high fiving of complete strangers. What started off as initially struggling and gasping to make it through 5 minutes became a decent speed over 3 kms with me plotting how to keep improving my form, pace, distance and time. I melodically got lost in my own world and enjoyed every minute of it.

The only person I was competing with was me and my personal bests.

In the winter, I started scoping out 5K events for the fall. I started planning how to segue my indoor jogging to outdoor terrain once the weather got a little warmer. I was still mastering the flat surface of a treadmill – uneven surfaces, uphill terrain and bumpy, slushy snow would have to wait until further along in my “training.” The girl who couldn’t stand jogging was now plotting her first long distance race! I even fried the treadmill one day while doing an all out sprint.  I was secretly smirking when I saw the repair sign on it the next day.  Although I felt badly for putting a much needed machine out of commission, it put an extra spring in my step and was confirmation my race was going to happen.

But…

I didn’t see the signs that my health was going off course in early 2011. In fact, I hadn’t seen the steady stream of warnings that were being presented over the previous years either.  In the spring, I started to feel sluggish and breathless during my jogs and one day experienced vertigo. Let’s just say vertigo + jogging + a treadmill does not a good match make. I shook it off and went home. We do that – shake warnings off. We shouldn’t.

Then one day IT happened.

I didn’t realize on that day that my life was about to completely change.

I was about 5 minutes into my jog when my body shut down and the world started to move in slow motion. I literally just stopped jogging and flew off the end of the treadmill into the wall. All my limbs just ceased to know what to do. I made a fairly graceful recovery amidst the smirks around me.  I walked right out of the gym heading home in a haze. I tried to reason with myself that maybe I didn’t eat enough protein that day…

The 5 minute walk home took over an hour. I collapsed on a curb unable to move. I willed someone to walk by. Nobody was on the street. Not one car passed. I sat there motionless in the pelting rain waiting to regain my energy.  I could not move an inch.  Walking the last 200 or so metres seemed like forever. I made it into my kitchen on my hands and knees and crawled up the stairs.

I’ll be fine.

Maybe I should work out in the afternoons instead?

I’ll go to the doctor soon.

It’s amazing what you reason with yourself in the moment. When you body is screaming out for help, has given you a million and one signs and you still aren’t cluing in.  In that moment, I did not realize…

That all plans to do my 5K race just fell off that treadmill.

That parts of me just fell off that treadmill.

That my abilities up until that day were more amazing than I even knew.

What I thought would be a quick recovery turned into an over 4 year soul journey as my health took me to levels of pain and frustration and depths of understanding and appreciation I didn’t know possible. I bartered with my body and brain daily for snippets of movement and activity. Some days my bartering worked and many it didn’t. Through the roller coaster ride of  having abilities, losing them, regaining them repeatedly over days, months and years, I would often wonder, “If I can’t even walk properly, will I ever be able to jog again?” More than anything these last few years, my health journey with Hashimoto’s, endometriosis and gluten ataxia has instilled in me a sense of body love and admiration that is off the charts – no matter what ability level my body is at. As long as my brain works, I can accomplish anything in this world.

There are many times over the last few years that I have thought of my 5K and thought it unattainable, thought I would never get my health back to even think about doing it. It was a carrot dangling in front of me I was never able to reach. And last month it hit me. I am going to do it. I may not do it the way I set out to do in 2011…

But I’m going to do it a new way.

Who says I have to jog?  Who says I even have to do it all at once?  Who says I have to keep waiting for a future day that may keep stretching into forever? I have decided to reinvent my race, make it what I can do, make it something attainable and not something always in the future. Make it fun. Pat myself on the back. Celebrate what I can do today – not a year or five down the road.

Do it now.

Reclaim My 5K - Liis Windischmann

You know the term ‘back in the saddle?’ Well, back on the treadmill! And this time I refuse to fly into a wall.  I am not sure when I will be able to walk 5K let alone jog it.  But I am quite certain I can rock walking 1K…5 times!  I have yet to walk 1K since 2011….but I have been working up to it…and I have faith. It’s been really cold outside but words can’t express how joy-filled my daily walking has been.  I need to do this for me. I need to prove to myself that I can reinvent my starting line, reinvent my race.

I NEED TO RECLAIM MY 5K!

I plan to walk 1K per day – on a treadmill – over five days starting Monday March 9th through to Friday March 13th. I am honoured that body positive GoodLife Fitness  has agreed to sponsor my race!  With a mantra of Training for Every Body, this is my kind of gym.  Also supporting me on my race is Katie K Active and Reitmans.  Love both these companies for creating athletic clothing from straight sizing through to plus sizes because everybody and every body deserves to feel great while reaching their fitness goals.

I hope you will join me this week on my race.  There have been so many times I thought I would need a wheelchair or walker for my gluten ataxia, planned my days out in the steps needed to get from point A to B. A couple months ago as I was starting physiotherapy, I didn’t think walking 1K would be remotely possible.  But I keep inching closer to goals and I am honoured where my legs take me, honoured for where my brain is allowing my limbs to go.  I need to do this for me. But I also want to do this for all the amazing individuals whom I have met or encountered who have had a health event stop them dead in their tracks too…have made them feel like a their goals were now out of reach.  We all need to know we can recreate our race, whatever that race may be.

And one last note…when I first decided to do this, I had no idea this project would fall into Brain Awareness Week. What amazing timing and beautiful energy during my race…

Let’s do this!

Please join me on the race route on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter!

#ReclaimMy5K   #rockyourbody

 

Welcome to a New Liis on Life!

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Thank you so much for visiting Liis on Life! I am so happy to share this space with you and am looking forward to connecting often. Yes, this website is a play on my name… but it really does reflect a new energy for me, a new direction, a new purpose in life. If we are meeting here for the first time then a big hello to you!  And if some of you know me through my over 20 years in the fashion industry, I am happy to connect with you again.

Sometimes you blissfully walk through life thinking your future is going in one direction then all of a sudden a giant hand swoops down and declares, “Change of course! You are now going this way!” You find yourself on a completely different path, one you never envisioned or chose.  You protest, you reflect, you rage, and then a moment of calm clarity comes about and you realize the universe chose your experiences for a reason, that you attracted in your experiences for a reason – or a million – a million really, really important ones.  And you realize all your experiences are meant to be shared in order to help someone else in the exact same spot you were just in.

Looking back I was physically falling apart for years – but always with a smile on my face, always while keeping busy and moving onto the next project in my life. (Sound familiar anyone?) There were warning signs that my body was crying out for help. There was a growing disconnect with my mind, body & soul – they weren’t having the same conversation. The universe kept bellowing:

Hey Liis!

Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

HOW ABOUT RIGHT NOW?!

It wasn’t until I completely fell apart and started putting back the pieces that I realized all this, until I heard the universe LOUD and CLEAR. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune thyroid dis-ease in 2011, endometriosis in 2012 and the clincher, the rare dis-ease cerebellar gluten ataxia in 2013. My list of symptoms was enormous and the daily pain was off the charts.  Were there good times in there? Absolutely. Some great times in fact. Some travelling and some nights of dancing even. Some amazing career projects. But to say I have done a lot of soul searching, health homework and deep reflection would be an understatement. I feel as if I just completed a university degree I didn’t realize I had signed up for!

I like to call the last few years my “spiritual time-out.”  In all the pain and all the frustration, there were so many lessons, so much knowledge gained, so many moments of amazement and wonder. To the general public who have seen me on numerous TV appearances and in fashion campaigns, it may not have seemed like anything was wrong but every event – even if only one or two hours – required meticulous planning and then recuperation. From first adopting a gluten free life in 2011 to embracing a Paleo lifestyle in late 2013, I have grown to realize the healing energy of food, meditation and positive thinking and the power we have to change the course of our dis-ease, our happiness, our lives.

As I sat in my time-out chair, I did reflect on a lot, and came to new levels of understanding on so many platforms.  After labour, mothers will always say of course they would go through it all again in order to have their children. Although not a mother, I can relate to that sentiment – I have come out the other side with a new lease on life I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world.  There is no going back to “before.” I have wept so many tears of gratitude and sit in such gratefulness every day.  My friends now lovingly say, ”Aww Liis, are you crying from happiness again?”

I have created this space and welcome you here to learn, to grow, to laugh, to embrace your inner child and hug the hell out of her. To reach out to your future self and proactively take care of her right now, this very instant – and let her know how amazing she is. To love yourself today, just the way you are in all your amazing perfection. To live in joy daily. To shake up your routine. To ask questions. To not only think outside the box but live like it never existed. To cry tears of total joy. To surprise and amaze yourself. To do your health homework because it is really, really good for your mind, body and soul!

Let’s lose the obsession with what size is on the label of our jeans and daily weigh-ins and always calorie counting shall we? My shape and size has changed dramatically through all this and it is but one  small part of my story. My curvy body allowed me to travel the world with a career I loved, connecting with incredible people around the world. I honour my body throughout time, whatever shape or size. Weight and size is such a small part of who all of us really are.  This site is about body love for everybody and every BODY.

If I can help others from going through the same health issues and rude awakening I did, I sure want to try.  As this site grows, and as I continue to grow, I hope you will join me. I am so looking forward to it!