No, Thank You!
There are two types of people who completely mess up the compliment process. I like to label these folks Rebounders and Blockers. Unfortunately, it’s generally women. Let’s break these down shall we?
Several years back I was chatting with my dear friend Meghan and she paid me a compliment. As per conditioning and without hesitation, I cheerfully fired a compliment right back at her. She stared at me, paused and said,” As women, we have zero concept of how to accept a compliment. We don’t even let it absorb before we feel compelled to send one right back. We need to stop doing this!” As this nugget of wisdom sunk in, I admitted, much to my chagrin, that I was in fact acting like a Rebounder. We talked about this compliment rebounding debacle in depth and realized how very real it was. We made a pact to simply be thankful for a compliment and accept it with a simple “thank you.” Do you have any idea how hard this was in the beginning?
It actually took me several months of reconditioning to accept a compliment without feeling obligated to send one back. It took me a long time to simply say thanks and leave it at that. This was a gift being given to me. I did not have to instantly give a gift back. It’s like your birthday – it’s your special day once per year that earns you presents and praise. On someone else’s birthday, you give presents and praise. You would never feel obligated to give your friend a gift on your birthday after receiving one right? Why? Because we all need individual times to shine and there is a time and a place for everything.
I would love to tell you how I started the “Be a Rebounder No More Revolution” but Meghan instigated all this cleverness. Through our discussions I realized that you actually diminish the energy you are giving another when you fire back a compliment in response to one received. It is a reflexive statement not a deep generated thought. And you diminish the beautiful energy coming your way by not fully accepting a compliment as a gift with no strings attached.
This little experiment has taught me much over the years. I make a deeper connection when someone pays me a compliment. I really listen to what is being said versus trying to come up with an instant comeback. The compliment resonates deeply within me and I am thrilled that someone has gone out of her way to say something nice. I am happier receiving a compliment as a true gift. I in turn take care to pay more people compliments but very genuine ones from my heart that aren’t “paybacks” but built upon something truly nice or remarkable that person has done that reflects who she is. This way the compliment is all about her and not an extension of the one sent to me.
Now, with a great track record of accepting compliments, I don’t feel so guilty being a reformed Rebounder especially when I look at the competition – the Blockers. You know exactly who I’m talking about! These women never accept a compliment and in fact start putting themselves down to fend off the positivity coming their way. It wouldn’t be so bad if they just mumbled out of shyness – it’s far worse than that. When a Blocker is paid a compliment saying how nice she looks, she will loudly exclaim,” What are you talking about? I look terrible. A-w-f-u-l! Like crap! Are you serious?” And if you tell her you like her blouse, she’ll say,” This old thing? Are you kidding me?” Not only has she rebuffed a compliment and completely put herself down, she has gone one step further – she has insulted the judgment of the person trying to give it! Hell, she has insulted the complimenter (Is that a word?…It is now) period! My rebounding isn’t looking so bad now is it?
If we go back to the entire birthday scenario, Blockers are in essence refusing the gifts given to them. How rude is that? How would that attitude go down at a party?
“Here’s your gift.”
“I don’t want it. I don’t deserve it.”
“But it’s a really great gift. You will like it! I got it especially for you.”
“I cannot accept it. Take it back and don’t give me a gift again.”
“Sorry to have offended you. I thought it would make you happy.” (Note to self while shaking head: She despises gifts. Don’t buy her any more. She’s cut off)
Kind of a crappy birthday don’t you think?
I believe accepting compliments and thus accepting positive energy is so important for the psyche, empowerment and a positive body image that I do an exercise similar to this with the girls’ groups I work with. Trust me, a six-year-old thinks it’s ridiculous to refuse a gift! Good. I want them to carry that sentiment into their later years.
Look at your own life and how you and your family and friends give and receive compliments. Most importantly, know that little ears hear what you say and mimic what you do. Don’t let them think they are anything less than fiercely amazing! By all means, keep giving but realize what beautiful energy exists in receiving as well. Enjoy the gift.
