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Creating a Life You Love & Amping Up Mindfulness with the Soul Homework Podcast

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Why hello new podcast! January 15th was the birth of the Soul Homework podcast and I have had the honour of having incredible chats with so many fascinating guests already. I can’t wait to see what 2019 brings!

I am constantly asked for advice about small changes we can make to bring easy change and happiness into our busy, daily lives. I love that each guest offers up simple “Soul Homework” we can all implement immediately. One common element with each guest is that their trials, tough roads and journeys have led them to carve out change and happiness in ways their earlier selves could have never imagined. There is serious shift happening in our time outs, in our aha moments! There is growth in the mess, in the uncomfortable, in the need to do something differently from everyone else. These chats also represent that we are not alone. There are others that have trudged through the muck too – and come out the other side. There are others attempting to change the world in small but massively important ways. Soul Homework is all about “little” changes and steps leading to big change.

It has taken me years to be able to speak properly again after my journey with Gluten Ataxia and Hashimoto’s. I experienced slurring, stuttering, nerve issues around my mouth, having to build up my energy and motor skills enough to be able to speak longer (2o minutes daily was the norm for quite some time) and being able to have cohesive conversations with severe brain fog and memory issues. I never thought I would be able to host a podcast or do the work associated with it so to say this step means the world to me would be an understatement. The power to use one’s voice and express one’s thoughts is one of the biggest gifts and I feel blessed to be able to share such incredible chats with all of you!

New episodes will be released every month on the 5th, 15th and 25th. I believe there is much energetic power in numbers and was delighted when I saw the energetic meaning of 5-5-5!

555 – Major changes and significant transformations are here for you. You have an opportunity to break out of the chrysalis and uncover the amazing life you truly deserve. (Doreen Virtue, Angel Numbers)

The first 5 episodes are up with my soul sister Possibility Hacker Shelli Varela helping me launch the show followed by chats with Connection Catalyst Jan Keck, Creatrix Gail Jessen and Cam Algie who is helping us learn how to play again through improv. So looking forward to continuing to bring you guests that will inspire you to create a life you love!

Have an idea for a guest that has transformed your world in beautiful ways? Someone sharing his or her amazing story and gifts with the world? Let me know in the comments below. And when you do listen to the show, please take a few moments to share a short review on iTunes. Every comment helps the show get to the ears of more listeners and is so appreciated! To many beautiful conversations this year and beyond.

A Simple Two Word Mantra: It’s Easy

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As I sat quietly this morning feeling (not thinking) how I wanted to start my day, I closed my eyes to sit in meditative silence. Sometimes I simply breathe mindfully allowing my brain and body to quiet down. I may listen to nature sounds or ocean waves and be lulled by their beautiful flow. Other days I find myself having a conversation with the universe or like today, a simple mantra came into my mind. I went with the mantra.

As I am getting close to releasing my first meditation album Falling Into Zen – 10 Guided Meditations Under 10 Minutes (info about its availabilty will be on my website soon) I have had many conversations with people that yes, calming & empowering oneself with a healthy mind, body and soul connection can take mere minutes daily. Perhaps this is why my mantra popped up. When a thought like this calmly enters my mind, I don’t try to push is away. I realize it is surfacing as a gift and quietly explore the information it is trying to share with me.

This morning these words popped into my mind: It’s easy.

So I went with it…

It’s easy to be happy.

It’s easy to be healthy.

It’s easy to have a life I love.

It’s easy to be surrounded by love. 

It’s easy to be filled with joy.

It’s easy to laugh a lot. 

It’s easy to travel the world.

It’s easy to be filled with creative ideas. 

It’s easy to have an incredible career I love.

It’s easy to attract fantastic people, companies and projects.

It’s easy to make lots of money.

It’s easy to make lots of money so I can help others. 

It’s easy to create positive change on this planet. 

It’s easy. Whatever I think, I can do. It’s easy. Whatever I think, I can create. It’s easy.

I am sure there were a few more in there but you get the idea. One “it’s easy” flowed easily into another…and then another… When we change our minds, we change our world. When we change our world, we can then change the world. Small steps can create big changes and what could be simpler than taking a couple minutes to explore the power of two small words?

The Unexpected Body Image Teacher

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The last few years have been an epic body love roller coaster ride. Want to possess the most positive body image ever imaginable? Have your body completely fall apart a million times, a million different ways. Scars, weight, stretch marks, size …none of it will matter when your abilities come back, when your legs let you walk, when your mouth lets you speak, when your arms can hold someone you love dearly, when you have the mental strength to be fully present.

Every one of my working and non working body parts has taught me about total love, acceptance and patience. But there is one small body part that I never imagined would be such a great body image teacher, would inspire so many conversations with my nieces about body love – my thumbnails.

My fingers have been some of the last parts of my body to come back to health. They have gone through many painful phases and as they have changed, they have allowed me to realize inside my body has been healing and getting back on track. They have been a mirror as to what was happening with my brain and immune system. The last holdout has been my thumbnails. They have looked mangled for quite some time. At first I would constantly try to keep nail polish on them to cover up their imperfections. But for the last year, I decided to stop doing this and instead embrace their raw beauty. I enjoy looking down at my unpainted nails daily to see the improvements. They are a symbol of my body’s perseverance.

I’ve held hands with my nieces countless times and conversations have started about my rough, misshapen thumbnails. It has given me the opportunity to tell them about how strong our bodies are, how honoured I am to walk and move and share valuable time with them and how my uniqely different nails are a part of me I am not ashamed of. I’ve shared with them how people have scars of honour on their bodies for the experiences they have gone through and we need to celebrate these badges of beauty. I’ve explained to them how smart my body has been in that it realized the rest of my body needed all the love and attention it could get to recover from autoimmune Hashimoto’s and Gluten Ataxia so it had to stop sending some energy to my nails temporarily because other parts needed it more. My mangled thumbnails represent that my body isn’t broken, it is smart.

Many of our conversations have been silent, with my nieces gently touching my nails, inspecting them in the sweet, honest way children do, knowing every time they check, they are improving and getting healthier, an unspoken realization that so am I. Most importantly, my hands with my imperfectly perfect thumbnails can type again, can write again, can pick up my nieces again and twirl them around and be goofy. How honoured I am to have been bestowed these marks of imperfection that possess the power to start such important conversations.

Happiness Dwells In The “Little” Moments

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Last week was quite delicious. And gratifying. And exciting. And rewarding.

I did not win a mega jackpot lottery or get a new car or home or land a huge contract. What I did get were the oh-so-sweet rewards for years of patience, dedication and determination. I got pieces of my life back.

Every Monday night as far back as I can remember is Pilates night. It took me years to master the moves, strength and agility needed in class. In 2011, I still had moves to master but I was so happy with how I had developed over the years. Then I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s in 2011 and Gluten Ataxia in 2013. I lost all strength, dexterity and my brain and body literally forgot how to do anything and my brain was not sending the proper messaging to my limbs. My legs would plummet to the floor, my arms did not work and were in severe pain, my body would tremor in protest and the simplest moves became utterly exhausting. I would silently cry throughout every class either from complete system overwhelm, sheer frustation or both. And I would leave walking like I was drunk having just got off a roller coaster. Over the years, Pilates grew to become an integral part of my physiotherapy as it was one of the only forms of physical movement I could participate in.

On February 1, 2016, in a Pilates class, I got a push-up back after years of trying.  It was one of the sweetest moments of my life. I did feel like I had won the lottery. This Monday I got another “simple” move back – after 7 years of sheer dedication! My teacher laughed out loud in celebration as did I. Sweet victory! I still have to adapt a lot of moves and hold my legs up with a band but I am grinning. I am thrilled. I am so beyond grateful it is ridiculous. I never thought I would get back to this level of strength.

The next day I did a photo shoot – in high heels. Something that again, I used to do regularly as a model which left my life when I developed severe balance and dizziness issues and an adverse reaction (not being able to walk or talk)  to gluten in make-up and beauty products. I used my own gluten-free make-up kit for this one and rocked those heels!

And to close a week of ridiculously sweet accomplishments, I did a fashion runway show on Saturday. In high heels. Under bright lights with loud pumping music. I flashed back to the last runway I was able to walk in 2012, in which I was in a complete panic as I walked out in severe pain to a massive crowd at Toronto Fashion Week and felt the room swirling around me, my feet and legs feeling like they would give out, the music and lights actually hurting and splitting into a million moving parts attacking my senses, knowing that something was severely wrong. I flashed back to having so much trouble simply doing up a button, a zipper, changing my own clothes, putting on shoes. I’ve done a plethora of runway shows over 25 years and I don’t think one can be sweeter than the last. What a gift.

A simple exercise move. Standing in high heels. Walking in a show. We don’t realize what lights us up until it’s taken away. We don’t realize how many pieces of our identity make us who we are until they vanish from our lives. We don’t realize the gift of movement and how it helps define us and the confidence and joy it gives us until it disappears. And we don’t realize how many gifts are given to us regularly in seemingly insignifcant moments. Life is delicous, every moment, every day in so many ways.

Celebrate Climbing YOUR Mountain

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I’ve got a mountain.

You’ve got a mountain.

We’ve all got a mountain of some sort.

And we need to celebrate climbing our mountain whatever it may look like.

I’ve learned some valuable life lessons over the last few years. There is no trying to keep up with the Joneses. There is no comparing my level of accomplishment to anyone else’s. I am setting the bar for myself and patting myself on the back along the way. And giving myself high fives – lots of them.

This month I started a fitness ball class…without the ball. And a weight class…without the weights. I am a bonafide athletic superstar.  As Julia Roberts once said in a movie, “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen before.”

Here’s the thing, I look completely normal and am feeling more like myself as each week passes but my body and brain are still learning how to hang out in the same room together even with regular “health homework.” Recovering from Gluten Ataxia autoimmunity that has affected my brain has had me relearning a lot of motor skills. Who needs weights when my arms are still heavy enough to lift? In physiotherapy, simply sitting on an exercise ball was one of the most terrifying acts I have ever done. Crazy right? It felt like hanging off the ledge of a skyscraper about to fall to my untimely death. I cannot print the words that came out of my mouth during those sessions – thankfully my physiotherapists found my profanity amusing.

This week I got on an exercise ball. I wedged it against a wall, but I got on. And then I looked drunk bobbing and swaying as I walked home. It is not fun to walk into a class feeling normal and leave an hour later feeling like you just downed a Pinot Grigio in the middle of your workout but it’s a sign to me that more needs to be fixed but also that more of me is coming back together. And I am thrilled to be at a point that my body and brain can bounce back after about 15 minutes versus days, versus not having been able to do any of it at all.

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And you know what? I feel like an Olympian. With medals. Lots of them. Phelps style.

I am not the fastest.

Or the most agile.

Or very coordinated.

And I have to adapt the entire workout and go slow.

But I am climbing MY mountain…and it feels ridiculously sweet.

PSST! I write weekly on this seriously juicy book loving site.  This article originally appeared there. You can catch this article and my other articles and other really great ones by fabulous writers over here.

The Body Love Series: How to Help the Positivity Resonate Mind, Body & Soul

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How to get from here to there. Sometimes it seems easy. Sometimes it doesn’t.  I often speak of something “resonating” with me. If it resonates, I support it, I buy it, I tell others about it, I BELIEVE in it.  It’s an easy sell because it feels right to me.

When it comes to developing body love, sometimes it is not as easy as it seems to get from here to there. Sometimes doubt creeps in, lack of belief in something being true creeps in. Believing in the beauty of your body or a body part doesn’t ring true.  The body love is not resonating so it’s hard to make changes. And I don’t mean physical changes – I mean changing those doubts in your cranium that keep you from celebrating your body exactly like it is like rocking a bikini, wearing shorts or confidently showing off your gorgeous arms without feeling the need to wear long sleeves. It’s all about creating a mind-body-soul connection that feels unified and true to bring about real change and happiness.

I recently discussed easy out-of-the-box ways to meditate and bring about body love every day with an incredible crowd at Curvy Expo. I’ve had several conversations with women about it since so I know the topic has struck a chord.  I gave the audience easy 1-2 sentence mantras to build up body love.  These are positive affirmations that can be said to quiet your mind throughout your day and send yourself some loving vibes. But here is the thing – we are all on different journeys with different starting points, different experiences that brought us to today. So what might be really basic for one woman to believe in her heart could be very difficult for another.  What really resonates as true for one, could feel totally awkward and wrong for another.

On my healing journey, I would often send certain body parts some TLC especially when they weren’t working properly. I’m human – some days it was really hard to believe my legs were strong when they could barely move to allow me to walk, were cramped and aching. I could say “my legs are strong” several times in my head while the rest of my body would be bellowing,’Not this month they aren’t!” I found ways to get over this disconnect….and you can too.

What if your body image issue is with your arms?  Or what if you arms aren’t moving or working how they used to and you are frustrated? What if they have changed in appearance in some way through an accident, dis-ease, aging, scarring, acne or something that bothers you? How do you tell your arms you love them and how do you truly grow to love them when you are at the stage where all you want to do is cover them up?  In order to have a belief resonate throughout your being, you need to feel it mind, body and soul.

Here is a simple way to grow that belief in the core of your being. I am using arms in the example – feel free to replace with whichever body part of yours needs some TLC. Check out these stages to see what types of mantras resonates with you.

Total Arm Love

You find it easy to compliment your arms, deeply feel that words like “strong” and “beautiful” are true and they resonate with you. If you were to think of the praise as compliments from someone, you would accept them with a big grin on your face – it would make your day and you would walk around all sassy after.  These types of statements not only make you feel comfortable, they make you happy and energetically peaceful.

My arms are strong and beautiful.

My arms are curvy and beautiful.

My muscular arms are amazing. I appreciate what they do for me.

My arms are sexy and strong.

My stunning arms give me gifts every day.

If these have resonated with you, fantastic!  Use them throughout the day or create new ones you love. If the above mantras aren’t resonating with you, if you can’t “take the compliments” you’ll feel it – in your gut, in your heart, in the doubt in your head. And that’s ok.  We just need to tweak the body love TLC a little bit for you!

Working Up To Total Arm Love

It’s sometimes easier to see what gifts your body & its parts provide outside of you.  Thinking of your everyday life, how much joy, love and resourcefulness do they bring to you daily? What functions – even bare bones basic – do they provide for you every day?  How do they help you do your job and thus make a living?  Interact with your family and friends?  Pursue hobbies you  love?  Start celebrating everyday “little” actions to see how many amazing gifts you receive on a daily basis.

My arms are strong. They allow me to hold my beautiful baby.

My arms are amazing. They let me hug my beautiful children.

My arms are powerful. They allow me to work at a job I love.

My arms hold love. They let me hug my partner.

My arms create healing. They allow me to make healthy meals for my family.

My arms bring me gifts of movement every day. I am blessed.

My arms allow me to do my job and provide for my family.

My arms hold knowledge. They help me cook/paint/sew/knit/play the piano.

My arms create fun and laughter. They allow me to push my child on a swing.

I promise you, if you can tweak your way of thinking, you can tweak your way of believing allowing yourself to appreciate the powerful, beautiful gifts your body brings you daily.  If you start thinking of all the gifts you receive daily, all the tasks you are able to do, your perception will change. And this doesn’t have to take long. This could literally change your life in less than30 seconds a day!

Please let me know if you create a body love mantra for yourself. Would love to hear about it!

 

The Body Love Series: Dancing It Out In Meditation

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I meditate every day. It feeds my body and it feeds my soul. Sometimes it’s only for 5 minutes but other times like today, I start my day with half an hour or more.  And some days I stop, drop and meditate a couple times. Depends what I feel guided to do.

Yesterday I started my Sunday with a really deep meditation.  I do visualizations to help heal my body and send it energy and this one went r-e-a-l-l-y deep. I have been feeling really run down for the last 2 weeks after catching a bug while travelling and pushing myself too hard. I find travelling with time changes with autoimmunity and the stress of trying to find places to eat gluten-free tends to wear me out way more than the average person. I should not have kept bragging that I haven’t had a cold in 6 years….

I envisioned energy seeping into my cells and my body filling with bright sunlight. I infused swirling beautiful colours into my body and brain.  I went to town on the healing and after about 45 minutes, felt more energized and alive.  I wanted to go for a walk which was a great sign that I had upped my energy.

I sat at the beach and had a great chat with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while on my cell phone. I told him I wanted to take him to the beach with me as I watched the sunshine hit the waves. After our chat, I sat in the sun for quite some time feeling the vitamin D seep into my skin. Even though my body’s energy was still low, I felt it increasing with everything I was doing. I closed my eyes and put on some more relaxing meditation music…and then… had to switch it up!

I needed to dance. Meditation dance that is. I flipped on some 90s music. Perfection.

And just as my calm morning meditation helped heal me, closing my eyes and meditatively dancing it out while seated healed and energized me as well. After years of limited movement from Gluten Ataxia and Hashimoto’s,  it’s necessary for me to unify the mind-body-soul connection. When my soul wants to dance and my body doesn’t have the energy, I need to find a way.  I honour my body when it needs calm and I honour my body when it needs energetic movement. I hit my 90s Mix on my iPod and started to bob and sway with my eyes closed while feeling the sun shining down on me. I didn’t really care who was watching – I was too busy dancing it out in my mind, throughout my body. My movements weren’t too crazy but I am sure I amused everyone walking by.

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Here are some of my 90s meditative-perk-me-up-dance-like-nobody’s-watching songs:

#1 It Takes Two – Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock

#2 Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) – CC Music Factory

#3 Jump Around – House of Pain

#4 I Like to Move It – Reel 2 Real

#5 Bust a Move – Stone Cold Rhymin’

I believe what we can visualize we can make real. I believe what we feel in our bodies, in our cells, we can make real. Our bodies need to feel the love in various ways and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate one’s body than through dancing. I danced my ass off on the beach yesterday. It felt great. I was smiling the entire time. And after all my dancing (about 10 songs worth) I had more energy to walk home. I stood taller and my legs felt sturdy. My legs didn’t buckle like they often do. They didn’t go all ataxia wobbly. I walked home energized with a strong body.

So who says your meditations have to have rules?  That you have to sit in silence for hours on end with no thoughts entering your mind?  If the word “meditation” feels overwhelming, don’t use it! Take 5 minutes out of your busy day, throw on your iPod and dance. Smile. Feel energized. Feel connected to all your body parts. Feel your mind-body-soul connection.  Just dance.

The Body Love Series: Here’s to Having a Bikini & a Body…Not a Bikini Body

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As years pass, new language is created and new words and expressions become the norm.  If you would have told me 20 years ago I would be using emojis every day I would have said,”Umm…excuse me?  What are those?” Some words and expressions reflect what we are doing in society and get picked up by newspaper headlines, the covers of magazines and used in advertisements. But here is the thing…just because some words and expressions become “the norm” doesn’t mean we should accept them as normal.

One of those expressions? Bikini Body. As in Get a Bikini Body, Lose Weight Fast to Have A Bikini Body, Quick Exercises to Get a Bikini Body.  I never heard this expression growing up as a kid of the 70’s. I don’t really remember hearing it much in high school either – and I bought a lot of magazines! But in the last 10-15 years use of the term has amped up so much that it’s guaranteed to see it plastered on the covers of most magazines and across TV segments just before summer hits.  And it definitely is a “norm” that should not be accepted as normal.

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Women’s Health magazine decided to do away with this expression on its covers in December, 2015 because its readers asked for it. Loving it! Readers also asked for the mag to do away with the expression “Drop 2 Sizes” on its cover because it implied quick and unhealthy weight loss. Readers from all walks of life resonated with powerful, empowering words like toned, strong and sexy instead. The words “shrink” and “diet” weren’t relating well to its readers and those got the boot as well.  News of this change really resonated with me because I believe words are very powerful forms of energy.  It is one of the reasons I am really happy to be a part of GoodLife Fitness’ #sexysmartstrong campaign which fits in with this energy and shares what many people of all sizes, shapes and abilities feel makes them sexy, smart and strong. I like that sexy doesn’t have to be about what you wear but a state of mind – and that could mean feeling your sexiest in a big old sweatshirt sweating it out at the gym feeling amazingly proud about yourself or taking a walk around the block with your honey – or by yourself. Or a million other ways that make you feel happy and alive.

I speak with girls about the messaging they are bombarded with every day and we talk about how to reinterpret words and phrases – or lose some of them entirely.  I want them to think of the term bikini body as ridiculous now so they grow up to think of it as ridiculous as women. I hope the conversation spurs them to know they have amazing bodies, and that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and thus so do the bikinis. And may those bikinis be cute, athletic, frilly or whatever style allows a person to express who she really is. Any day of the year and every day of the year.

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Join me in retiring this expression. If you see it on a magazine cover you subscribe to, let the editor know it is not resonating with you. Use it as a means of conversation with a girl or teenager in your life and let her know our bodies have no seasons. And if we ever catch ourselves using this expression, let’s make a mental note to try not to in the future. Little ears hear everything we say. Let’s change the Body Love Conversation for the next generation so they laugh at the ridiculousness of this expression people used to use.

Welcome to The Body Love Series: Time to Start a Body Love Conversation!

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Something happened when my body completely fell apart.

I ended up loving it even more than I thought possible.

And the more grateful I became, the more I started to stare at my newly working body parts in awe and wonder and thanked them regularly for the gifts they gave me. My eyes and ears became even more in tune to all the negative body image hype sent our way, all the messages blaring through headlines and TV and articles and ads telling me what wasn’t good enough, what needed fixing, what needed replacing.  What needed to be traded in or cast aside.

The energy felt so…wrong.

After several years of not being able to move much and when I could not very well, I really appreciate when my not-so-toned body helps me walk down the street to the grocery store, when my imperfect belly helps me get up out of a chair, when my kinda squishy arms allow me to hug someone. Having not been able to communicate properly with various combinations of slurring and stuttering and forgetting what I was going to say, I feel as though I have several years of speaking to catch up upon!  I say this literally – not figuratively – I want to climb to the top of a mountain and shout to everyone…

YOUR BODY ROCKS!

RIGHT HERE!

RIGHT NOW!

Body image issues have always been important to me. I have had the honour and privilege of being a plus-size/curvy model for over 20 years while working to make changes in fashion that count everyBODY in, and I have been speaking with girls’ groups for years helping them rethink how they think about the messages that bombard them daily.  And the longer my health time-out lasted with Hashimoto’s & Gluten Ataxia, the more it increased my want to speak up more about our need to stop being so hard on ourselves.

You know what really got me?  All those Before & After photos out there in which  people put themselves down. When I could barely move or walk I would stare at them and think how we have been taught to shame the person, the body, that brought us to today.  I wanted to hug all the “Befores” and tell them,” You are amazing. You carried this person all this way. You loved her. You protected her. You did the best you could. Ok, you may have made some mistakes but we all do.  Even the “Afters” do! You are a superstar and I admire you….throughout time, throughout phases and stages. You are you always and you are amazing. ”

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Can we all use some tune-ups?  Absolutely. Is tweaking aspects of your life a good thing? Yes, it totally is!  Are major changes sometimes necessary? For sure. Is eating well a good idea? Hells yes. Should we get active? Yes!  But the key is making changes from a place of body love – not disgust, not shame – not by putting ourselves down. My motto is this:  We need to speak to ourselves, to our bodies like we would a small child. Build it up with love and kindness. Smiles. Laughter. Joy. Isn’t life way more fun that way?

So technically I still can’t climb a mountain…or even many stairs (you can bet I am working on it) in order to shout YOUR BODY ROCKS! But I can create a Body Love Conversation with you here…on my website…on social media…in the press…and would love for you to join in on the #BLC (that’s the cool hashtag you can use to join the convo!)

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Join me for regular Mantra Mondays posts – the link will always be on my homepage – or sign up for my newsletter at the top of this page to get regular Body Love Blasts sent your way. Check out my Instagram & Facebook for a regular dose of Body Love. And I am excited to start speaking with you regularly on Periscope too! I am particularly excited about #BLC Wednesdays Twitter Convos which will feature incredible Body Love guest hosts which will take place on my @liisonlife Twitter page Wednesday February 17th, March 2, 16 and 30th. My inspiring guests will include beauty expert Janine Falcon (@JanineFalcon) of beautygeeks (catch her on the first chat),  athlete and founder of Born to Reign Athletics (@btrathletics) Krista Henderson, Editor-in-chief of DARE magazine (@daremagcanada), Diana Di Poce, and Meghan Bradley, Director of Curvy Expo (@curvyexpo). Will be sure to keep you up to date on all the details as the series unfolds! (No RSVP required!)

I am really looking forward to chatting with you through The Body Love Series. Together we can change the #BLC.

Liis xo!

 

 

 

The Body Love Series: A Letter to My 17-Year-Old Self – Thank You For Allowing Me to Do Fashion My Way

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When I was in high school, I landed a teenage-dream-job as a receptionist for a large photography studio for the summer. It was something out of a teen movie about the girl who finds herself having the most amazing luck possible, where she squeals with glee on the phone with her girlfriends and says “pinch me!” a lot. I still remember trying to be utterly cool my first week on the job when the reception area was filled with gorgeous male models there for a casting call. I had to speak because I needed to answer the phone but inside I was dying and I am sure my face was beet red. How exactly did I land this dream job anyway? (Later, I asked my boss what made her hire me…her reply,”Oh, nothing really.  You were the only one who showed up and was kind of normal. Everyone else was weird.”  I have mad skills.)

I was asked to fill in for a model who didn’t show up one day. Umm, ok. What do I get to wear?  Remember those aerobic outfits from the 80’s?  Where you wore your underwear over your bodysuit?  Ya, that.  On a treadmill. Fake jogging. And my head would be cut off.  I made tons of hilarious faces to crack up the photographer…only to learn later, when the entire editing room was howling, that edits happen AFTER the shoot. This little taste of modelling had me intrigued. I did another shoot for the studio this time in a one-piece track suit. (Sensing an 80’s fitness theme…)  I think I made $50. Don’t say the 80’s never gave us anything. I still have the photo. I may show it to you one day…

After this summer of intrigue, I tried to get into modelling. At 5’10.5″, I weighed about 130 lbs and was very healthy and athletic. At the first agency I visited, after meeting me for all of 5 minutes, the agent told me to stand on a giant scale in the middle of the crowded waiting room.  He then told me I was too fat. I was then scolded for having a cranberry muffin as a snack – funny the things one remembers years later. As the agent wagged his finger in my face scolding me for my body, scolding me for what I had eaten, scolding me for being me, I felt my body tighten and everything inside me scream,”This energy is NOT right.”  I said nothing. He told me to return the next week for a regular weigh-in and to start dieting.  And absolutely no more snacks or cranberry muffins. I stared at him and said nothing. I left. As I walked confused and fuming to the subway, I vowed never to go back. I realized probably ever other girl in that waiting room would be there for the weigh-in the following week…

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I was mad at myself for having let someone speak to me that way.

I was mad at myself for having stood on that scale.

  I was mad at myself for letting him wave his finger in my face.

  I was mad at myself for letting him tell me that my healthy way of living was wrong.

I visited another agency.  I was told again to lose weight. I was told my lips were much too small for my face – but that I could come back and take really expensive courses. As I stared at the agent still talking,  I decided then and there modelling wasn’t for me. I left again.

I went off to university not giving modelling another thought.  Several years later after finishing my degree, I was walking through The Toronto Eaton Centre with my sister. By then I was about a straight size 14. A modelling scout stopped me.  She asked me if I had ever considered becoming a model.  Most girls would have been ecstatic. I completely rebuffed her. My response went something like this,” I know how this works. You want me to lose a ton of weight. I am not interested.”  To which she responded,”Have you ever heard of plus-size modelling?  You don’t have to lose a pound. You are perfect the way you are.”  When I heard that, I was intrigued and started asking a ton of questions.  When I realized I could make a go of this career and be true to me, to my body, she had my full attention. The plus-size modelling industry was so new I hadn’t heard of it. But all of a sudden, going forward with my dream of modelling felt authentic. Or how I always like to tell young girls when we speak of body image, the feeling in my head, my heart and my stomach felt right – my intuition was giving me the go-ahead.

I look back all these years later – almost 25 – to a life and career that has been so fulfilling, to adventures in countries around the world, to having met countless incredible creative people and companies.  I look back to countless conversations with girls and teens about body image and media literacy – many times with their moms and dads joining in. I look back to being the Director of a modelling agency I was proud of that represented women of all backgrounds, heights, shapes, sizes and abilities that went completely out of the box creating countless opportunities that didn’t exist before.  I look to TV work showcasing that everybody and every BODY is beautiful and should be represented in fashion. And most importantly, I look back to the last few years of my health journey and developing the ultimate in body love from one of the biggest lessons in my life.

And… I just want to thank my teenage self for walking away from what didn’t feel right and making this all possible.  If I could right now speak with my 17-year-old self, I would tell her this:

Dear 17-Year-Old Me,

Do not for one second beat yourself up over stepping on that scale.  For going out there and exploring something new. You walked away with your head high and determination in your heart and soul. What you see as a moment of weakness right now, of anger for being talked down to, will define your life, will propel you further into knowing what you want and what you don’t. What is right. What is wrong.

Those few minutes on that scale will give you a lifetime of speaking with young girls and building them up so they will stand up when they need to stand up and walk away with no regrets when they need to walk away. You have a strength and determination that will only continue to grow. Do not curse yourself for your silence, applaud yourself for your strong will. Know that doing what feels right in your mind, heart and soul in this very moment will have a ripple effect throughout your life and lead you to much happiness. More than anything, know that in the future, you will rock fashion on YOUR terms and it will turn out incredibly well. Keep being true to you. You are doing an amazing job. 

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 

I love you fiercely.

Admire you greatly.

All my love,

Your Future Self xo

I keep saying we need to love ourselves through time and I sometimes get a puzzled look.  But we do. All our decisions help form our lives, our happiness. Every act is a ripple in some way. Applaud yourself for all the positivity you have created and forgive yourself for anything you need to release. Happy all these years later after stepping on that scale and not going back, to be having this Body Love Conversation with you right now. What a beautiful perk from a “small” decision in my life.